Maybe its the accent

I rec'd this in an email from a mexican co-worker. I couldn't stop laughing, does that make me racist?

From The Mexican Dictionary

• BODYWASH: I can ' t go to tha cantina tonite cuz no BODYWASH my kids.
• SHOULDER : My tia wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn ' t know how to read so I SHOULDER.
• COCKATOO: My friend was in the bathroom and I told him to hurry because I had to go COCKATOO!
• SODAS: My vieja has beeg tatas and SODAS her sister.
• JUICY: Hey vato, I will roll the joint, and ju tell me if JUICY the cops!!!
• JUAREZ: My viejita slapped me and I said JUAREZ your damn problem!
• TISSUE: Hey vato if you don ' t know how to do it, let me TISSUE how!
• HEATER: My lil sister started to choke...Perro my mom told me to HEATER in the back!
• BRIEF: Hey homes, my lady farted in the car and I couldn ' t BRIEF!
• JULY : Ju tol me ju were going to tha store and JULY to me! Julyer!!!
• MUSHROOM : When my familia gets in the car......There ' s not MUSHROOM left!
• CHEESE : I went to dis bar and some vato try to hit up on my vieja. I said ay vato CHEESE with me!!
• TEXAS : My pinche friend always TEXAS me with dumb jokes.
• WATER : My vieja gets mad and I don ' t even know WATER problem is!
• HERPES : Me & my ruca order some pizza, I got my piece & she got HERPES.
• HIGHWAY : I turned around in bed, looked at my wife and said HIGHWAY! Put some make-up on cabrona. You scared me!
• HORCHATA : You can keep talking your crap, HORCHATA hell up!
• FRITO : After arguing with the pinche policia he told me I was FRITO go!

Testing

Ah the married life

The girl I work with named Yvonne was married on the 2nd. I didn't go to the wedding. I had something else to do, which I could have cancelled but I was still bent outta shape about the shower and how that was handled. Anyway. She was gone for a week on her honeymoon. Her and Jason, Mr Newlywed, went on a cruise to Mexico.

She was due to come back Thursday the 14th but she showed up on the 12th because she missed us. Okay. Thursday I worked in close enough proximity to hear all the details of the cruise, the food, the sex, the dancing, the people there, etc. Yesterday, a full 13 days after she tied the knot and one day after blissfully sharing TMI, she came back from her lunch break in tears. WTF?!

She was bawling to Yolanda, who was just standing there chewing her gum. Yvonne's shoulders were shaking, her face wet, geez! I went to Yvonne, put arms around her and patted her back and made cooing noises and told her to take deep breaths, come on sweetie, deeper.... relax, relax, calm down, you're okay now, I have you, deep breaths....

It turns out that she and her new husband had a fight over a friend of his, who presumably has been a poor influence on Yvonne's hubby and the hubby, while defending his friend, PUSHED HIS NEW WIFE OF 13 DAYS INTO A WALL!!!!

Excuse me.

::deep breaths::

I am all about pre-marital counseling. I would never say I DO to someone without counseling. I want to know up front what the deal breakers are. Being someone's punching bag is a deal breaker.

I told Yvonne that when she goes home, she needs to tell Jason that physical violence is not tolerated. Arguing or fighting is fine as long as you use words to work it out. I then suggested to her that she tell him, "Jason, this was your one and only time to ever be physically abusive to me, for any reason. If it happens again I will call 911 and press charges. It better not ever happen again."

I told her she has to mean it when she says it.

She's nineteen.

Fuck ATT and the Wi-Fi they rode in on...

The nice man who lived next door to me moved. One day I will recount the way we met. He was being held up by thugs trying to steal his backpack but I thought he was being hit by a car on his bike. Anyway. His departure could be significant because he took his Wi-Fi minus the firewall with him. Where I live the city is going Internet Ready in order to attract new business and keep old businesses here. AT&T is the provider.

I hate writing this.

I was working online and was punted off. In order to resume my work I signed up for the AT&T Metro Free Internet service. I registered, filled out a ton of personal information and waited. Then I waited some more. It takes forever to log onto the Net with AMFIS. Some times the pages load, sometimes they never load. I hate it.

My little laptop has a Google toolbar. It measures about an inch and a half. My task bar at the bottom of the screen measures almost an inch. My whole screen is nine inches tall. AT&T, those fuckers, have a gobbed up the screen with a generous two inch banner for their crappy company. Now my nine inch screen is reduced to four and three eighths inch. When I click to open a new window, the banner spams that window too! Oh joy.

Today, right this moment in fact, I had to use the AMFIS to get online. The sign on page is fucked up. You may sign on but it takes about four or five retries to get the IE to kick on. I tried to play CP with my nephew but it just said, "Logging in ______" for like forty minutes and I had to give up.

I know having free Net should be a good thing but when the service in inferior I just want to scream. It took me four tries to get this POST to load and God knows whether it will publish on the first click.

I tried to address the problems by using their handy dandy AT&T Customer Support link on their banner. Guess what? All that did was pop up another banner saying the Certificate was not secured or some such shit. What does that mean? I don't know.

Perhaps my city is too cheap to provide reliable Internet services to the companies it is trying to attract.

(Small detail - adjacent to the SAVE NOW button under this window there is an Exclamation Point in a yellow danger triangle and it is saying "Autosave FAILED". )

People Who Cannot Take a Hint

I was getting ready to leave work yesterday (Thr 3 July) so I stopped where Yolanda was working to wish her a happy Fourth of July. Surprise, surprise, she was by Yvonne, the young lady who is getting hitched, thus the bridal shower and the magnificent Thai salad problem mentioned in my last post.

Yolanda says to me, "Oh hey. I am trying to get the menu in order. Are you going to bring your salad?"

I said, "No I'm not."

Her, "What? Why?"

Me, "No. I am not making you salad. Do you want to hire me to make you the salad?"

At this point she actually did one of those pffts noises and rolled her fucking eyes. YGFBKM!

Me, "I'll take THAT as a no. C'est la vie, no salad for you. Have a nice Fourth."

I turned and walked away.

In the immediate time after she tried to shanghai me into making the salad and I said I'd give her tips for her party, Yolanda was constantly with Yvonne. There was never a private time to approach her and tell her that what she did was rude and would be an imposition on me. Then a couple weeks past and I let it go. I figured she'd just know it wasn't going to happen.

But she had to ask, again, in front of Yvonne, again and I had to tell her no, again. Besides her presumptiveness, her devaluing my time, skill and feeling I somehow owe her bridal shower $200 in free food, I am pissed off now that she felt, if she did, that by asking me again in front of Yvonne I'd be too nice to say no.

Well. Fuck no.

Maybe the title of this post should be

People Who Are Too Dense to Take NO For An Answer.


(Addendum- Today is Tuesday July 8. Yolanda was very frosty to me today. She wouldn't even say g'morning and she worked as far away from me as possible, right along side Yvonne, who btw, was especially nice to me.)

Don't volunteer me

I work with a bunch of women, guys too. I work pretty exclusively with a woman named Yolanda. Some days she is lazy and other times she actually gets some work done. She is close to another employee named Yvonne. It is when she is around Yvonne that her productively drops to below zero. I know Yvonne, I like her, she is getting married in August. I think she is twenty, I don't know for sure because altho we are genial to one another, she has never invited me to her house/apt. See, I don't even know where she lives. These two women know I am an excellent cook. I have brought stuff with me to work and shared and they rave about how fabulous I am. I already know this. Another lifetime ago I owned my own successful catering business and I was the head chef.

So. Back to Yolanda and Yvonne. This one day at work a few weeks ago, I saw Yvonne talking with Yo about her bridal shower and they were looking over a price sheet for relish trays, sandwich trays, fruit or veggie trays, meat and cheese trays. You get the idea. Some of these ran close to $50 and more. I asked who was throwing her shower. She said no one.

Red flag.

No one? I asked, "What about your aunts or your bestfriend or the girls you go to church with?" Nope. No one. I think she talked Yolanda into doing it. So Yolanda says to me, right in front of Yvonne, "Honey Bee, why don't you do the food? You're the bomb!" The first thing I said was, "WOW, thanks for volunteering me. I hate when people do that." I gave her a few pointers but said, totally serious, if she cannot afford these trays, she cannot afford to hire me to do her food. I am expensive because I am the bomb.

This seemed to bend Yolanda out of shape and she said, "Sheesh, but she's your friend." Well, arguing about this would have been lost on her since she's been to Yvonne's house and gets rides from her to work and they hang out. Not with me tho. Plus another thing, it would have been cruel to point out the absurdity of this remark in front of Yvonne.

I said, "If you want tips I'll be happy to share. That's the best I can do." i just walked away shaking my head.

Today as I was walking thru work I saw Yvonne and asked her if she straightened out her bridal shower food choices. She shook her head rather strangely and said that they were not going to do trays, they were going to do salads. Oh how nice.

A few hours later Yolanda shows up for work and says to me she is going to need my address for the bridal shower invitation. I say yeah. We're still working and a little while later Yvonne comes by and asks for the address too, I give it to her.

Not twenty minutes later as we're moving onto another phase of our work, Yvonne is tagging alone and Yolanda is yapping away and I'm not paying attention. She says, "Honey Bee, you can bring your chicken salad, that'll be good." "What chicken salad? Where? I make three different kinds, what are you talking about?" "To the bridal shower, your awesome chicken salad." I'm thinking WTF?

"We want you to bring the salad." "The Thai Salad? For you?" "Yes." Then Yolanda says there are going to be twenty people there. Oh for God's sakes. I said, "I'll think about it."

I didn't need to think about this. Out of the kindness of my heart have have shared food with my co-workers and they think this entitles them to invite me to a bridal shower with the sole purpose of getting me to bring the food. Guests do not bring the food. If it were a potluck party that'd be way different.

My Thai Salad is spectacular. It is also expensive. To cater this main dish salad for twenty women at a bridal shower would cost a minimum of $200. Like I said, she cannot afford. I also don't feel like I know her well enough to cough up all that money and time bringing food to a bridal shower I have no intention of attending.

IF SHE wants to pay to have me make the salad, she needs to hire me. Not invite me and my food. I am so pissed off at Yolanda. I told her before that I didn't appreciate her volunteering me or putting me on the spot and having to point out that Yvonne doesn't have anyone who can afford to hire me for her party.

Happy Birthday Sis

Today is my sister K's birthday.

Cocks and the men who swing them

The reason I use a blog is put my thoughts into words, whether anyone reads my opinion is irrelevent. I am here because it is anonymous. I can rant, discuss, confess, justify or prattle on and no one is going to care.

Today I want to write about dicks. Or cocks or penises or whatever you want to call them. I've had my share of good sex and know a lovely penis when I see one. I've seen bents ones, long ones, thick ones, short ones, fat ones, swords, poles and pathetic softies that no amount of sucking can wake from the dead.

My ex had a nice cock. Too bad he shared it after we were married. It was long and lean and I loved giving it a throaty test drive before the main event. He liked that too. A lot.

My most recent long term relationship, seven loving years, had a sports model cock. It was okay but not a limo, if ya know what I mean. There are advantages to having a sports model in your trousers. Ladies can do things with it they cannot do with a longer ones. It goes places that are snug and tight. It was not until after we separated that his owning a sporty, fast race car made sense. I suppose that old adage rings true. What you drive does indicate what you're lacking in other areas.

Now to Blake.

I could cry writing this.

See how close I am? I was on the edge of the stage at the Temecula Valley Balloon and Wine Festival when Blake Shelton was singing and playing. I saw everything, up close and personal. He shook my hand, pointed at me, smiled, sang awesome, rocked, played guitar, posed and the show was everything I had hoped it would be.

Then why I am ready to cry? I'll tell ya why. Blake Shelton's crotch was flatter than a Ken Doll.

He is six four or five, maybe 190lb. His inseam has got to be 36 inches. For goodness sakes, I was hoping for a small thrill, a bump where his package should be. It was absent. He must wear the tightest whities in the history of BVDs.

I think I should start a petition for him to pose naked so we can be sure we don't want to go loving on nobody but him.

Forgotten story

Sweet! Honey drips out of Calif. family’s walls

But thousands of bees have gone too far in turning home into hive


SAN MARINO, Calif. - The situation at the Stathatos house on Virginia Road is getting sticky. So many bees live in the walls of the stately Tudor home that honey drips out of the walls, discoloring the wallpaper in the dining room.

The bees had been good tenants, peacefully coexisting for years with the home's human residents, Helen and Jerry Stathatos.

But lately bees have been buzzing around an upstairs bedroom, said Dustin Mackey, a bee removal expert with Bee Specialist.

Mackey made a house call in late February to vacuum the busy insects from a window frame and seal the floor in the bedroom.

"You walk into the house and it smells sweet," Mackey said. "I felt like I was in a jar of honey."
Mackey said Jerry Stathatos said the bee problem had been going on for at least 20 years, but living in an apiary never bothered the family.

Calls Wednesday to Helen and Jerry Stathatos were not returned.

Mackey said Stathatos decided against removing the bees because it might require them to pull down several interior walls, where "thousands, maybe millions" of bees have taken up residence.
"They are making honey and we can't even get to it," Helen Stathatos told the San Gabriel Valley Tribune newspaper.

Just outside the front door, near a hole the bees use to enter the house, Mackey saw thousands of bees "just hanging in clumps."

"They've got the most beautiful garden you've ever seen, with flowers all around the house. It's the perfect environment for bees," said Mackey.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23617763/

Temecula Valley Ballon and Wine Festival

Yesterday was the opening day of the Temecula Valley Balloon and Wine Festival, which runs three consecutive days. This is the twenty-fifth year they've had this wonderful festival. Last February when I did not get to see Blake Shelton at the House of Blues in West Hollywood I was devastated. When I heard he'd be in Temecula, I was estatic.

A few days ago I bought the best possible tickets online. This service was easy, not too expensive (a five dollar fee) and instant. The only trouble was their server has been offline and down since I bought the tickets and I was unable to print them for the concert. Calling for one whole day was futile, altho after I did get through, being on an automated recording ate up the rest of my monthly minutes on my cell phone. Finally, on the second day, I got thru.

"OH, we know the server is down. We expect it back up within the hour, keep trying," Isabelle said, "you could just take your email with the transaction number with you and they can make you a ticket there." Me, "Oh really. The same email that says this is not a ticket? What if that doesn't work?" Her, "It'll work." Me, "And if it doesn't?" Her, "It'll work. Me, "BUT what if it doesn't?" She hung up.

My sister left her work early. This is a miracle. She was at my place early and we left around 2:30 pm. I got the bright idea to stop at my bank on the way and get a print out of the ticket transaction being posted. I mean anyone can make an email. I suppose anyone could make a bank statement too.

It took us an hour to get there, she drove. There was a fuck up on the freeway as we neared Temecula becaue some biker gang down in Fallbrook decided to have a gunfight with cops and they closed the freeway in both directions. Since my sister used to live in Temecula, back when the population was under ten thousand, she knows short cuts!

We get to the gate at Lake Skinner and in we go. The rangers tried to tell us the park didn't let in festival people until 5 pm but we went anyway. They said to turn around after the checkstand but I told her keep going. Not a lot of people know this but I used to be a ranger at that lake twenty years ago. I know short cuts too.

Anyway.

Long story short. The bank's proof of payment and the email together was enough for one of the chairpersons for the festival to go get us the golden bracelets that would get us in front row center and into the gourmet buffet tent next to the stage. And we were an hour and a half early.

This is HOW CLOSE we were.

Shane Mack won a contest and was invited to open at the Friday night gig. He was good, I predict he'll be a big name in a short time. His songs were clever. He had a great voice and a tight band. He did a cover of a Three Dog Night song and I couldn't help but smile. My high school sweetheart plays with Chuck Negron now and I saw Three Dog Night when I was just 13 at a festival in Ontario, Ca called the November Jam. This was a few years before they held the California Jam and the US Festivals.





Before the genuis chairperson came back with our bracelets, we set up out chairs in front of the stage and watched John Waite do a sound check and tune up. John Waite was in the Babies and Bad English and I Ain't Missing You is one of my favorite songs. I love that guy. The above photo was taking during the show. But he let me take pictures when they were doing the sound check. His show rocked. When he came back for an encore, I walked to the stage and he was sweet enough to autograph my program.

Blake Shelton. I get goosebumps. He is so hot. His show was awesome. I wanted to see him up close. I did. My sister was in heaven. We were singing and dancing and looking up his long legs. Mmm, oh yeah. He reached out and shook hands. He shook mine, and my sister's. When he was doing his hit song The More I Drink, I was smiling and dancing and he pointed at me and winked. How did he know??

I am a little pissed off at myself. I need to spend some money and get a better camera. I barely took any decent photos from this show because his face was so over-exposed from the stage lights. Lots of action and they were blurry. Or maybe my hands were shaking. Beats me. I know what I saw and heard and that is good enough for me.

During the show Blake sat down for a couple of acoustic songs. He place a stool near the front of the stage and sang solo sitting in a single pool of light. I think his voice has just gotten better and better with time. There was another time during the show that the roadie who handed him his guitar made a remark and Blake called him back to explain himself. It was something like, "If you think it's soooo easy, you do it!" I am sure this was all pre-staged and probably a part of the regular show, not improvised. Anyway, the roadie ended up doing a few songs while Blake sat down and watched. He wasn't bad and it was all in good fun.

Before Blake departed the stage for good, he reached down and autographed the program too. I loved this show. It was worth every penny. I wish it could have gone on longer or I could have invited him home for.... nevermind.

Blake's band is awesome. They are tight, in synch and solid. They are talented, fun and personable. When the show was done the bass player came back out and signed a cast for a kid with a broken arm. I saw him there so I walked over. I had been blowing him kisses all night anyway. When I told him I had just watched him on Stripped before we came today, he walked over and pulled the set list off the stage and gave it to me. What a sweetie!

Here it is.

California and that is underlined.

This Can't Be Good

Nobody But Me

The More I Drink

She Don't Love Me

Goodbye Time

Tight Fittin Jeans

Acoustic (2)

Home

Cotton Pickin

Don't Make Me

Playboys

Austin

Some Beach

Redneck Girl

Ol' Red

I have to tell you, it takes one small snub to make someone dislike you. But it takes and even smaller kindness to make someone a fan for life. I believe if more performers knew this, taking 30 seconds to sign a cast would not seem like such a great sacrifice at all.