Maybe its the accent

I rec'd this in an email from a mexican co-worker. I couldn't stop laughing, does that make me racist?

From The Mexican Dictionary

• BODYWASH: I can ' t go to tha cantina tonite cuz no BODYWASH my kids.
• SHOULDER : My tia wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn ' t know how to read so I SHOULDER.
• COCKATOO: My friend was in the bathroom and I told him to hurry because I had to go COCKATOO!
• SODAS: My vieja has beeg tatas and SODAS her sister.
• JUICY: Hey vato, I will roll the joint, and ju tell me if JUICY the cops!!!
• JUAREZ: My viejita slapped me and I said JUAREZ your damn problem!
• TISSUE: Hey vato if you don ' t know how to do it, let me TISSUE how!
• HEATER: My lil sister started to choke...Perro my mom told me to HEATER in the back!
• BRIEF: Hey homes, my lady farted in the car and I couldn ' t BRIEF!
• JULY : Ju tol me ju were going to tha store and JULY to me! Julyer!!!
• MUSHROOM : When my familia gets in the car......There ' s not MUSHROOM left!
• CHEESE : I went to dis bar and some vato try to hit up on my vieja. I said ay vato CHEESE with me!!
• TEXAS : My pinche friend always TEXAS me with dumb jokes.
• WATER : My vieja gets mad and I don ' t even know WATER problem is!
• HERPES : Me & my ruca order some pizza, I got my piece & she got HERPES.
• HIGHWAY : I turned around in bed, looked at my wife and said HIGHWAY! Put some make-up on cabrona. You scared me!
• HORCHATA : You can keep talking your crap, HORCHATA hell up!
• FRITO : After arguing with the pinche policia he told me I was FRITO go!

Testing

Ah the married life

The girl I work with named Yvonne was married on the 2nd. I didn't go to the wedding. I had something else to do, which I could have cancelled but I was still bent outta shape about the shower and how that was handled. Anyway. She was gone for a week on her honeymoon. Her and Jason, Mr Newlywed, went on a cruise to Mexico.

She was due to come back Thursday the 14th but she showed up on the 12th because she missed us. Okay. Thursday I worked in close enough proximity to hear all the details of the cruise, the food, the sex, the dancing, the people there, etc. Yesterday, a full 13 days after she tied the knot and one day after blissfully sharing TMI, she came back from her lunch break in tears. WTF?!

She was bawling to Yolanda, who was just standing there chewing her gum. Yvonne's shoulders were shaking, her face wet, geez! I went to Yvonne, put arms around her and patted her back and made cooing noises and told her to take deep breaths, come on sweetie, deeper.... relax, relax, calm down, you're okay now, I have you, deep breaths....

It turns out that she and her new husband had a fight over a friend of his, who presumably has been a poor influence on Yvonne's hubby and the hubby, while defending his friend, PUSHED HIS NEW WIFE OF 13 DAYS INTO A WALL!!!!

Excuse me.

::deep breaths::

I am all about pre-marital counseling. I would never say I DO to someone without counseling. I want to know up front what the deal breakers are. Being someone's punching bag is a deal breaker.

I told Yvonne that when she goes home, she needs to tell Jason that physical violence is not tolerated. Arguing or fighting is fine as long as you use words to work it out. I then suggested to her that she tell him, "Jason, this was your one and only time to ever be physically abusive to me, for any reason. If it happens again I will call 911 and press charges. It better not ever happen again."

I told her she has to mean it when she says it.

She's nineteen.

Fuck ATT and the Wi-Fi they rode in on...

The nice man who lived next door to me moved. One day I will recount the way we met. He was being held up by thugs trying to steal his backpack but I thought he was being hit by a car on his bike. Anyway. His departure could be significant because he took his Wi-Fi minus the firewall with him. Where I live the city is going Internet Ready in order to attract new business and keep old businesses here. AT&T is the provider.

I hate writing this.

I was working online and was punted off. In order to resume my work I signed up for the AT&T Metro Free Internet service. I registered, filled out a ton of personal information and waited. Then I waited some more. It takes forever to log onto the Net with AMFIS. Some times the pages load, sometimes they never load. I hate it.

My little laptop has a Google toolbar. It measures about an inch and a half. My task bar at the bottom of the screen measures almost an inch. My whole screen is nine inches tall. AT&T, those fuckers, have a gobbed up the screen with a generous two inch banner for their crappy company. Now my nine inch screen is reduced to four and three eighths inch. When I click to open a new window, the banner spams that window too! Oh joy.

Today, right this moment in fact, I had to use the AMFIS to get online. The sign on page is fucked up. You may sign on but it takes about four or five retries to get the IE to kick on. I tried to play CP with my nephew but it just said, "Logging in ______" for like forty minutes and I had to give up.

I know having free Net should be a good thing but when the service in inferior I just want to scream. It took me four tries to get this POST to load and God knows whether it will publish on the first click.

I tried to address the problems by using their handy dandy AT&T Customer Support link on their banner. Guess what? All that did was pop up another banner saying the Certificate was not secured or some such shit. What does that mean? I don't know.

Perhaps my city is too cheap to provide reliable Internet services to the companies it is trying to attract.

(Small detail - adjacent to the SAVE NOW button under this window there is an Exclamation Point in a yellow danger triangle and it is saying "Autosave FAILED". )

People Who Cannot Take a Hint

I was getting ready to leave work yesterday (Thr 3 July) so I stopped where Yolanda was working to wish her a happy Fourth of July. Surprise, surprise, she was by Yvonne, the young lady who is getting hitched, thus the bridal shower and the magnificent Thai salad problem mentioned in my last post.

Yolanda says to me, "Oh hey. I am trying to get the menu in order. Are you going to bring your salad?"

I said, "No I'm not."

Her, "What? Why?"

Me, "No. I am not making you salad. Do you want to hire me to make you the salad?"

At this point she actually did one of those pffts noises and rolled her fucking eyes. YGFBKM!

Me, "I'll take THAT as a no. C'est la vie, no salad for you. Have a nice Fourth."

I turned and walked away.

In the immediate time after she tried to shanghai me into making the salad and I said I'd give her tips for her party, Yolanda was constantly with Yvonne. There was never a private time to approach her and tell her that what she did was rude and would be an imposition on me. Then a couple weeks past and I let it go. I figured she'd just know it wasn't going to happen.

But she had to ask, again, in front of Yvonne, again and I had to tell her no, again. Besides her presumptiveness, her devaluing my time, skill and feeling I somehow owe her bridal shower $200 in free food, I am pissed off now that she felt, if she did, that by asking me again in front of Yvonne I'd be too nice to say no.

Well. Fuck no.

Maybe the title of this post should be

People Who Are Too Dense to Take NO For An Answer.


(Addendum- Today is Tuesday July 8. Yolanda was very frosty to me today. She wouldn't even say g'morning and she worked as far away from me as possible, right along side Yvonne, who btw, was especially nice to me.)

Don't volunteer me

I work with a bunch of women, guys too. I work pretty exclusively with a woman named Yolanda. Some days she is lazy and other times she actually gets some work done. She is close to another employee named Yvonne. It is when she is around Yvonne that her productively drops to below zero. I know Yvonne, I like her, she is getting married in August. I think she is twenty, I don't know for sure because altho we are genial to one another, she has never invited me to her house/apt. See, I don't even know where she lives. These two women know I am an excellent cook. I have brought stuff with me to work and shared and they rave about how fabulous I am. I already know this. Another lifetime ago I owned my own successful catering business and I was the head chef.

So. Back to Yolanda and Yvonne. This one day at work a few weeks ago, I saw Yvonne talking with Yo about her bridal shower and they were looking over a price sheet for relish trays, sandwich trays, fruit or veggie trays, meat and cheese trays. You get the idea. Some of these ran close to $50 and more. I asked who was throwing her shower. She said no one.

Red flag.

No one? I asked, "What about your aunts or your bestfriend or the girls you go to church with?" Nope. No one. I think she talked Yolanda into doing it. So Yolanda says to me, right in front of Yvonne, "Honey Bee, why don't you do the food? You're the bomb!" The first thing I said was, "WOW, thanks for volunteering me. I hate when people do that." I gave her a few pointers but said, totally serious, if she cannot afford these trays, she cannot afford to hire me to do her food. I am expensive because I am the bomb.

This seemed to bend Yolanda out of shape and she said, "Sheesh, but she's your friend." Well, arguing about this would have been lost on her since she's been to Yvonne's house and gets rides from her to work and they hang out. Not with me tho. Plus another thing, it would have been cruel to point out the absurdity of this remark in front of Yvonne.

I said, "If you want tips I'll be happy to share. That's the best I can do." i just walked away shaking my head.

Today as I was walking thru work I saw Yvonne and asked her if she straightened out her bridal shower food choices. She shook her head rather strangely and said that they were not going to do trays, they were going to do salads. Oh how nice.

A few hours later Yolanda shows up for work and says to me she is going to need my address for the bridal shower invitation. I say yeah. We're still working and a little while later Yvonne comes by and asks for the address too, I give it to her.

Not twenty minutes later as we're moving onto another phase of our work, Yvonne is tagging alone and Yolanda is yapping away and I'm not paying attention. She says, "Honey Bee, you can bring your chicken salad, that'll be good." "What chicken salad? Where? I make three different kinds, what are you talking about?" "To the bridal shower, your awesome chicken salad." I'm thinking WTF?

"We want you to bring the salad." "The Thai Salad? For you?" "Yes." Then Yolanda says there are going to be twenty people there. Oh for God's sakes. I said, "I'll think about it."

I didn't need to think about this. Out of the kindness of my heart have have shared food with my co-workers and they think this entitles them to invite me to a bridal shower with the sole purpose of getting me to bring the food. Guests do not bring the food. If it were a potluck party that'd be way different.

My Thai Salad is spectacular. It is also expensive. To cater this main dish salad for twenty women at a bridal shower would cost a minimum of $200. Like I said, she cannot afford. I also don't feel like I know her well enough to cough up all that money and time bringing food to a bridal shower I have no intention of attending.

IF SHE wants to pay to have me make the salad, she needs to hire me. Not invite me and my food. I am so pissed off at Yolanda. I told her before that I didn't appreciate her volunteering me or putting me on the spot and having to point out that Yvonne doesn't have anyone who can afford to hire me for her party.

Happy Birthday Sis

Today is my sister K's birthday.

Cocks and the men who swing them

The reason I use a blog is put my thoughts into words, whether anyone reads my opinion is irrelevent. I am here because it is anonymous. I can rant, discuss, confess, justify or prattle on and no one is going to care.

Today I want to write about dicks. Or cocks or penises or whatever you want to call them. I've had my share of good sex and know a lovely penis when I see one. I've seen bents ones, long ones, thick ones, short ones, fat ones, swords, poles and pathetic softies that no amount of sucking can wake from the dead.

My ex had a nice cock. Too bad he shared it after we were married. It was long and lean and I loved giving it a throaty test drive before the main event. He liked that too. A lot.

My most recent long term relationship, seven loving years, had a sports model cock. It was okay but not a limo, if ya know what I mean. There are advantages to having a sports model in your trousers. Ladies can do things with it they cannot do with a longer ones. It goes places that are snug and tight. It was not until after we separated that his owning a sporty, fast race car made sense. I suppose that old adage rings true. What you drive does indicate what you're lacking in other areas.

Now to Blake.

I could cry writing this.

See how close I am? I was on the edge of the stage at the Temecula Valley Balloon and Wine Festival when Blake Shelton was singing and playing. I saw everything, up close and personal. He shook my hand, pointed at me, smiled, sang awesome, rocked, played guitar, posed and the show was everything I had hoped it would be.

Then why I am ready to cry? I'll tell ya why. Blake Shelton's crotch was flatter than a Ken Doll.

He is six four or five, maybe 190lb. His inseam has got to be 36 inches. For goodness sakes, I was hoping for a small thrill, a bump where his package should be. It was absent. He must wear the tightest whities in the history of BVDs.

I think I should start a petition for him to pose naked so we can be sure we don't want to go loving on nobody but him.

Forgotten story

Sweet! Honey drips out of Calif. family’s walls

But thousands of bees have gone too far in turning home into hive


SAN MARINO, Calif. - The situation at the Stathatos house on Virginia Road is getting sticky. So many bees live in the walls of the stately Tudor home that honey drips out of the walls, discoloring the wallpaper in the dining room.

The bees had been good tenants, peacefully coexisting for years with the home's human residents, Helen and Jerry Stathatos.

But lately bees have been buzzing around an upstairs bedroom, said Dustin Mackey, a bee removal expert with Bee Specialist.

Mackey made a house call in late February to vacuum the busy insects from a window frame and seal the floor in the bedroom.

"You walk into the house and it smells sweet," Mackey said. "I felt like I was in a jar of honey."
Mackey said Jerry Stathatos said the bee problem had been going on for at least 20 years, but living in an apiary never bothered the family.

Calls Wednesday to Helen and Jerry Stathatos were not returned.

Mackey said Stathatos decided against removing the bees because it might require them to pull down several interior walls, where "thousands, maybe millions" of bees have taken up residence.
"They are making honey and we can't even get to it," Helen Stathatos told the San Gabriel Valley Tribune newspaper.

Just outside the front door, near a hole the bees use to enter the house, Mackey saw thousands of bees "just hanging in clumps."

"They've got the most beautiful garden you've ever seen, with flowers all around the house. It's the perfect environment for bees," said Mackey.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23617763/

Temecula Valley Ballon and Wine Festival

Yesterday was the opening day of the Temecula Valley Balloon and Wine Festival, which runs three consecutive days. This is the twenty-fifth year they've had this wonderful festival. Last February when I did not get to see Blake Shelton at the House of Blues in West Hollywood I was devastated. When I heard he'd be in Temecula, I was estatic.

A few days ago I bought the best possible tickets online. This service was easy, not too expensive (a five dollar fee) and instant. The only trouble was their server has been offline and down since I bought the tickets and I was unable to print them for the concert. Calling for one whole day was futile, altho after I did get through, being on an automated recording ate up the rest of my monthly minutes on my cell phone. Finally, on the second day, I got thru.

"OH, we know the server is down. We expect it back up within the hour, keep trying," Isabelle said, "you could just take your email with the transaction number with you and they can make you a ticket there." Me, "Oh really. The same email that says this is not a ticket? What if that doesn't work?" Her, "It'll work." Me, "And if it doesn't?" Her, "It'll work. Me, "BUT what if it doesn't?" She hung up.

My sister left her work early. This is a miracle. She was at my place early and we left around 2:30 pm. I got the bright idea to stop at my bank on the way and get a print out of the ticket transaction being posted. I mean anyone can make an email. I suppose anyone could make a bank statement too.

It took us an hour to get there, she drove. There was a fuck up on the freeway as we neared Temecula becaue some biker gang down in Fallbrook decided to have a gunfight with cops and they closed the freeway in both directions. Since my sister used to live in Temecula, back when the population was under ten thousand, she knows short cuts!

We get to the gate at Lake Skinner and in we go. The rangers tried to tell us the park didn't let in festival people until 5 pm but we went anyway. They said to turn around after the checkstand but I told her keep going. Not a lot of people know this but I used to be a ranger at that lake twenty years ago. I know short cuts too.

Anyway.

Long story short. The bank's proof of payment and the email together was enough for one of the chairpersons for the festival to go get us the golden bracelets that would get us in front row center and into the gourmet buffet tent next to the stage. And we were an hour and a half early.

This is HOW CLOSE we were.

Shane Mack won a contest and was invited to open at the Friday night gig. He was good, I predict he'll be a big name in a short time. His songs were clever. He had a great voice and a tight band. He did a cover of a Three Dog Night song and I couldn't help but smile. My high school sweetheart plays with Chuck Negron now and I saw Three Dog Night when I was just 13 at a festival in Ontario, Ca called the November Jam. This was a few years before they held the California Jam and the US Festivals.





Before the genuis chairperson came back with our bracelets, we set up out chairs in front of the stage and watched John Waite do a sound check and tune up. John Waite was in the Babies and Bad English and I Ain't Missing You is one of my favorite songs. I love that guy. The above photo was taking during the show. But he let me take pictures when they were doing the sound check. His show rocked. When he came back for an encore, I walked to the stage and he was sweet enough to autograph my program.

Blake Shelton. I get goosebumps. He is so hot. His show was awesome. I wanted to see him up close. I did. My sister was in heaven. We were singing and dancing and looking up his long legs. Mmm, oh yeah. He reached out and shook hands. He shook mine, and my sister's. When he was doing his hit song The More I Drink, I was smiling and dancing and he pointed at me and winked. How did he know??

I am a little pissed off at myself. I need to spend some money and get a better camera. I barely took any decent photos from this show because his face was so over-exposed from the stage lights. Lots of action and they were blurry. Or maybe my hands were shaking. Beats me. I know what I saw and heard and that is good enough for me.

During the show Blake sat down for a couple of acoustic songs. He place a stool near the front of the stage and sang solo sitting in a single pool of light. I think his voice has just gotten better and better with time. There was another time during the show that the roadie who handed him his guitar made a remark and Blake called him back to explain himself. It was something like, "If you think it's soooo easy, you do it!" I am sure this was all pre-staged and probably a part of the regular show, not improvised. Anyway, the roadie ended up doing a few songs while Blake sat down and watched. He wasn't bad and it was all in good fun.

Before Blake departed the stage for good, he reached down and autographed the program too. I loved this show. It was worth every penny. I wish it could have gone on longer or I could have invited him home for.... nevermind.

Blake's band is awesome. They are tight, in synch and solid. They are talented, fun and personable. When the show was done the bass player came back out and signed a cast for a kid with a broken arm. I saw him there so I walked over. I had been blowing him kisses all night anyway. When I told him I had just watched him on Stripped before we came today, he walked over and pulled the set list off the stage and gave it to me. What a sweetie!

Here it is.

California and that is underlined.

This Can't Be Good

Nobody But Me

The More I Drink

She Don't Love Me

Goodbye Time

Tight Fittin Jeans

Acoustic (2)

Home

Cotton Pickin

Don't Make Me

Playboys

Austin

Some Beach

Redneck Girl

Ol' Red

I have to tell you, it takes one small snub to make someone dislike you. But it takes and even smaller kindness to make someone a fan for life. I believe if more performers knew this, taking 30 seconds to sign a cast would not seem like such a great sacrifice at all.

An elephant never forgets

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all of my friends who send me those heartwarming stories.

Blake Shelton this Friday

I bought the best possible tickets, they set me back $260. We will be in front and my sister M is driving. I explained to her that she cannot hang out at her work until closing time, that we'll be eating a catered gourmet feast before the show and sitting next to the stage, me sipping a gutsy Cabernet Sav or her gulping a Dr Pepper and being late will not be an option or tolerated.

OMG! BLAKE SHELTON!!

AIW Quilt

I started the quilt.

I had hoped a friend of the family would help me make some verses on squares to place stratigically next to the characters who say them. The deal was, they were to be embroidered. I cannot embroider tho. Duh! My family friend has an embroidery sewing machine.

Anyway. She is gone on vacation and what I had in mind would cost around twenty bucks or more per square if I have it done professionally. I cannot afford that cost and she cannot afford the time to help me. C'est la vie.

So. I was standing inside a quilting store today called the Quilter's Cocoon and the very nice owner asked if I was looking for anything specific or could he help me find something. I told him, "I've lost my inspiration".

Then after explaining what had happened with the non-existant embroidered verses, he shows me the most magnificent product called Printed Treasures. It turns out you can use your computer printer to add lettering, photos, whatever!!! to these 8 1/2 by 11 inch sheets of fabric paper that go directly into your printer! And it was only $17.95 for a packet of five! I could actually cut them in half and sew a border around them. WOW.

Therefore....

'The time has come', the Walrus said, 'To talk of many things:

Of shoes- and ships- and sealing wax-

Of cabbages - and kings-

And why the sea is boiling hot-

And whether pigs have wings.'

The Washcloth

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable and smelling sweet. I threw the wash cloth in the clothes basket, crawled into some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, spead em wide, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my wash cloth?' I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor.

Ever.

Joke

The Dying Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come? "The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

Shame of shame

I have not started my niece's AIW 40th bday quilt.

Corvette versus the View

First off, let me say this post has zero to do with Chevrolets or Baba Wawa TV shows. Months ago I mentioned that one of my favorite Pixar movies of all time was CARS. I love it, everything about it. The story, the animation, the actor's voices, the details and of course, the moral of the story.




This mention concerned Lightning McQueen and Sally Carerra up Wheel Well and he'd asked her how she came to be in Radiator Springs and she said drove and drove and drove, broke down, Doc and Flo took me in, but then she stayed because she fell in love. He sadly asks, "Oh. A Corvette?" and she said, "No, the view" and they cruise over to the edge of the parking lot and looked out and over the view, that is best be described as magnificent in grandeur.


Now that my lengthy intro has bored folks, me included, into a sense of Oh for godssakes, I will get to the point of this post. It is about Match dot com or Plenty of Fish. It is about enjoying the view from where you are or trying to find that elusive Vette.


My sister was nagging me to join Match dot com and meet some guys. Her rationalization for this ran along the old you work the worst hours, how are you ever gonna meet anyone anyhow and besides it was free. First came Match dot com. I was spammed one of their emails and it said free so I said what the hey. I filled out 80 percent of the application and when it came time to submit the written essay of what I was seeking, I had timed out and was punted offline. Well. That oughta mean something eh?



I didn't save my written essay because I suppose I was not serious about submitting it. The whole free thing was supposed to last 14 trial days after which you could join their club and pay to meet people. Well, a funny thing happened. It turns out that since I was on the free trial program they still sent me prospective matches. On occasion it will be asked to finish filling out my profile but if and when I do, it'll spam me to start joining within those 14 days and so far, I haven't really seen anyone I like enough to contact.



Good Lord. Are men that f'd up?



Let me site a few examples. Some men like women who have long hair, are slender, love skinny dipping and PDAs. Most of these guys are bald, fat and you wouldn't want to be caught dead naked outside with them. Guys don't like sarcastic women but then go on to say sarcastic things that would drive a woman with a half a brain to not give them a second glance. I love the guys who value honesty but don't say what they do, how old they are or whether ot not they are religious.



Then there are the posers. The guys who are in their mid-forties to mid-fities who all have photos of their cars, their boats and hello, their fucking motorcycles. Someday I will write the story of my ex-husband and his motorcycles. Let me just say, at this time, I hope he owns one now. I hope he rides it everyday. I hope it brings a joy into his life that no one else can replace.



My other main beef with the POF way of meeting people is the acceptable deception. Most of the guys I have seen say they are athletic and toned. At our age, this is wishful thinking. A guy with man boobs is not toned. A guy with a beer gut is not athletic. If his arms sag around the shoulders, he is not buff. If has grown one of those stupid goatees that has been closely clipped to resemble vagina hair on a porn star, he is not fooling anyone except himself. All women KNOW this is a lame ass method for disguising his double chin.


I am five foot six and weigh 150 lbs. I am 38-30-38. My inseam is 32, my cup size is DD, my shoe is a seven and I work out four times a week. I could kick the living shit out of half the men I see on Match dot com. I will never run out of gray hair and it will never be long. I won't pierce my clit to get a date. I am not that hard up.



I don't need a Vette, I am a Vette. The men who've passed over my profile are probably the shallow ones I wouldn't want anyway. The ones who are looking are not very attractive, and I mean this from the inside out. I don't discriminate on looks but brains are another matter. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be shallow, ugly and stupid.

All about me, again

Self-Confidence
As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily. Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.

Family Orientation
As someone who respects family values, you tend to enjoy the company of family-members and are open to living a domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent, but may occasionally wish to “cut-loose” and let your true colors show. If you don’t have children, you probably desire having a family sometime in the distant future. Although you occasionally enjoy cooking at home, you also like going to restaurants. This has the potential to create added stress as you transition into parenthood. You are attracted to the idea of having a family and may be willing to work hard to achieve this, although not necessarily any time soon. This conflict is illustrated by the fact that you don’t mind doing things around the house—like cooking and entertaining guests—on the one hand. But, on the other hand, you also like going to restaurants and parties. It’s possible that in time you might prefer spending time at home more because you won’t feel like you’re missing anything when you don’t go out.One aspect of yourself that makes you likely to become more family oriented is that you generally know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own. This means that you have some of the basic ingredients to enjoy family life. Maintaining a tidy home, keeping a well-stocked kitchen, and making sure the kids are safe is a tough job. So attending to these things, while also taking care of yourself, may prove somewhat difficult for you.

Self-Control
The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate. As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused. Consequently, you might feel more comfortable delegating such tasks to other people who are more detail oriented. Being able to recognize such characteristics in yourself and having more detail-oriented people do such tasks could be an effective way to manage your own stress level. Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.” Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.

Openness
As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions. Another aspect of the openness dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This thinking style may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Thus, it is likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing. Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you might have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.

Easygoingness
Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways. For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently. In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you. Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences. High easygoingness, even when not seriously destructive, may also diminish your effectiveness at work, for example. You may find it aversive and difficult to put in all the effort that may sometimes be needed to effectively accomplish certain tasks. For this reason, your colleagues might view you as forgetful and unfocused.

How does your personality affect your love life?Given the strong degree of confidence that you have, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially. Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates. However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner. Because you respect family values but appreciate a good night out on the town, you probably get along well with people that are different from you. For this reason, you would probably be quite content in a romantic relationship with someone who shares your same values on these issues. Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time. Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who enjoys both spending time at home and going out to eat. As someone who is more relaxed than most people, you likely get along with most people quite well. Chances are that your friends and colleagues perceive you as lively, fun to be with, and good-humored.

When it comes to romance, you’ll likely be attracted to most people. However, your free-spirited nature might make being in a relationship with a person that is more rigid than you difficult because you might perceive the person as being too uptight and controlling. Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness might make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share your open-mindedness. But, your openness might occasionally cause a certain degree of dependency on your end because you may be so open that you easily adopt the preferences and habits of your partners and gradually relinquish things that make you so unique.

The Grand Opening

After months and months and months of waiting, my store's grand opening came to pass today and I hearby announce, it was a commercial success. The shelves were full, the stock was perfectly arranged, the floors were cleared, the trash was removed, the newly layed floor was waxed shiny and all the employees had on their new duds and wide smiles.

I arrived at 2:30 am, stayed until 11am and worked my ass off. I am exhausted and going to bed. I will be back again at 2am, six hours from now.

Zzzzz.....

Alice in Wonderland - new project

My niece T is turning forty in July and I love her heaps. She's my favorite and she knows it. She is really freaking out about being forty, I don't know why. You're only as old as you feel. And she looks pretty damn good for entering the summer of her life.

Her favorite book of all time is Alice in Wonderland. Or is it her favorite animated movie? Or movie? I don't know. I do know she is gaga over Alice.

I quilt. It is a hobby. I am ambitious and creative even if I am not an expert quilter. I am going to make her an Alice in Wonderland quilt for her birthday.

I have had a design in mind for twenty years. I had intended to make one for myself. Alice is not really my thing, altho I love the book and the illustrations. I am more a Wizard of Oz junkie than an Alice devotee.

So. I've been searching for tea cup or teapot fabrics for the backing. In doing so, I have hit upon blocks that could be made into tea cups or pots and a lot of very nice blogs about teapots and quilting.

My plan for the front is.... Alice in an oval in the center. The seven unequal size blocks around the oval will be devoted to the characters:

Mad Hatter,

White Rabbit,

Caterpiller,

Cheshire Cat,

Walrus,

Tweedle Dee and Twiddle Dum,

Queen of Hearts.

The borders are going to be hearts, diamonds, clubs and spades. The frames for the blocks will either be embroidered lines from the book or the card suits. If that is the case, the borders will be changed to trees with white roses being painted red.

I also want to work in the pig baby somehow or Alice with Dinah her cat.

I have until July to get this project finished. It took twenty years to plan it. Can I make it in two short months? We'll see

Is this guy smoking hot or what?

Dimples. Hubba, hubba.

As my week unwinds

My sister K went home to Michigan last Monday. I was sorry to see her leave. After the death of my bestfriend Annette last year, K has become my bestfriend. It was always easy to shine on her influence over me, we're related. She is older than me by eleven years. She is an avid gardener, a woman of Christ, loves all kids and puts up with me. That alone should get her nod towards sainthood. But she is human too. She gets gas, snores sometimes and once in a blue moon will burn a waffle. This is why I love her so.

Her and I are co-reading the One-Year Chronological Bible. I am behind a month. Not because of her visit but because I cannot get off the Elmore Leonard books. They're like catnip!

And speaking of sisters, my sister M called two days ago to ask if I usually work Wednesdays. Yes I do, why? She was scheduled for pre-op tests this Friday (tomorrow) for surgery next Wednesday the 30th on her left arm, the elbow area precisely and she needs a ride home after surgery. See, she has Kaiser, the very butt-holios that ruined her arm in the first place and they won't do surgery unless you have a designated driver outta the joint. That's where I come in.

Next Wednesday, the 30th, is the Grand Opening of MY STORE! This has been in the planning stages since last Sept. The blood, sweat and construction stages have made work a disaster zone since October and for God's sake, it is finally coming to fruition, THIS WEDNESDAY! Anyhoo, I say, "What time will you get out?" She'll let me know as soon as she knows. Oooooo-kay.

I am mindful of two things while I mull this over. One, she never asks me to do anything for her. She is a solo-mio personality. She's secretive, a loner and a martyr. This is the same sister who blew off Blake Shelton for her birthday last February because the House of Blues in West Hollywood was too far to drive on a Friday night. She is the driver, always is, always will be, except it seems when Kaiser tells her she can't. The second thing I mull over is that in the last eight months that my store has been under construction and I have said over and over ad nauseum within her hearing range on many, many occasions that the GRAND OPENING is APRIL 30TH, she never listened to me or registered the date in her brain.

Kaiser lost her co-payment and she is fussing with her bank to get proof of payment. She'll probably put off the surgery until it gets so bad that she'll be forced into because of the pain. Did I mention she's a martyr? I arranged to have someone else get her so I could attend my GRAND OPENING! Duh! It's all moot now anyway.

And speaking of Blake Shelton.... I am getting a second chance this year to see him in concert. This handsome, sexy, tall drink of water is playing at the Temecula Valley Balloon and Wine festival this June. OMG! I am sooooo going. I called sister M and asked her if she wanted to go too, HELL YEAH! I said listen up bitch, we have over one month to arrange that night off so we can be front row center looking up Blake's long legs and drooling ourselves silly. I am going to splurge and buy the best seats available. He is worth it. Just thinking he is back in Ca, twice in one year and in MY OWN BACKYARD makes me tingle. I won't say where. I cannot stop smiling.

http://www.tvbwf.com/

What I know

I like iced coffee when the weather turns hot and dang its been scorching lately. I received a Starbucks gift card at Christmas. I still have $3 on it. I get large iced coffees with a Splenda and a splash of cream. If there is any left by the time I get home, I squirt in some Hershey's chocolate syrup and make it a mocha. Today I ordered my second one, ooooh, I am so indulgent.


I adore Emile Hirsh. I raved this weeks ago when I switched my BOOK LIST from a side page element to a post (April 7th). I saw him portray Christopher McCandless in Into the Wild and I love this kid. He was also great in Mudge and Lords of Dogtown, I wanted to slap him! He is going to star in Speed Racer with Matthew Fox when it is in theaters May 9th. I'll go see it. He is Generation Y's new Tom Hanks. Hide and watch.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0386472/

I live in a Hollywood bungalow. My landlord's own a huge spanish house on the same property. I never met the man, I dealt exclusively with the woman. He died Friday (4-25) of a long term illness, cancer. I took her some flowers, a condolence card and my rent check two days early.

Last Sunday morning I was sitting by my picture window reading when I heard something stirring in the bushes outside. I have seen skunks galore and on one occasion a possum crawling along the fence. When I heard twigs snapping I figured it was a fat possum. Uh. NO. It was a mexican sleeping under the bushes. He crawled out, hungover and walked up the driveway. WTF? I went out my backdoor and followed him. He was knocking on another tenants door and when he saw me, he asked me for water. By the time I knocked on the landlord's door, he had already beat feet up the wooded embankment onto another street.

This Wednesday is the Grand Opening of my store. I cannot get anymore ready. I am not one to wish my life away but shit, I wish it was Thursday already. I am exhausted all the time.

Bottom's up

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of booze a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud to be an American.

Engineers explain cats

I suppose if I ever wanted to increase my odds of finding a smart guy, I could enroll in engineer school - the odds are good but the goods are odd. That said, I love this video by an engineer who has a sense of humor and three nice cats.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHXBL6bzAR4


When I was looking for a new place to live I called several apartments in my price range close to my work. One of the things that I thought was unfair was "Pet Rent". I fully understand first and last months rent and a security deposit in case of property damage but I never grasped pet rent.

I have a cat. She is old. Nineteen years old actually. She has roughly 36,000 miles on her, has a passport and is health certified. She is small, four pounds including hair, eats less than a cup of food per week, chucks up an occasional hairball but gives me lots of affection, in her stuck up, conditional catty way.

When I phoned about the availability of apartments and got down to the money requirements, I was told by a few places that the pet rent for my cat was an additional $25 per month. One place wanted $40 and a non-refundable $150 deposit.

Uh. Really? What for? Why? Aren't pet damages included in the security deposit? Do you charge rent per child too? No? Why not? As far as I know, my cat has never picked up a Bic lighter and burned an apartment building to the ground making dozens of people homeless. Maybe you should consider that when renting to negligent parents of beligerant kids.

Mission Inn

Desert at the Mission Inn.

The Spanish Patio.

The rotating clock above the patio.

My weekly rundown

My sister arrived in California on April 4th for a three week visit. She has spent the night a few times and the rest of the time she is staying at her daughter T's house. She went from freezing cold weather to very hot weather. Yesterday in fact it was 102 degrees Farenheit in Anaheim. She brought a cold with her but now her allergies are beating her up.

Last night everybody came over to my house for supper. This was a momentous occasion for the simple fact that I cannot remember the last time I lived alone and everybody was around TO invite at the same time. There were eight of us all together and I made Thai satay chicken salads. For desert I made lime squares and a chocolate cream pie.

Today my sister and I went to the Mission Inn for brunch, we had the buffet. I love the Mission Inn. During my previous wild life adventures, I worked there. That was long before the millions of dollars were spent renovating. The cockroaches were in charge of room service and Brian the head chef was a coke dealer, waaaaaay back then. Anyway, that is all ancient history, the Inn is stunning in its current state.

We ate so much today, at the buffet. I may not eat for a few days! Ah-oog-ga! I went back three times. I had a micro greens salad, fresh fruit, dried figs, smoked cheese, chevre, chicken marsala, wild rice pilaf, a salmon filet on fruit compote, fresh steamed vegetables, rolls and too many other things that barely fit onto my plate. For desert I had a pistachio cake, chocolate baverois, black forest cake, pecan squares, chocolate mousse and more fruit and cheese. Good Lord, here it is seven hours later and I am still full.

(I am going to add some pix after I make this post. I am still not sure how to insert pix into a post. So far I have to do the pix and then insert the text, which I am too lazy to do. Oh well.)

For a year I have been begging for decent hours at work, a way to earn a living and pay my bills. I have been strung along for what seems like months. This week I have 42 hours on my schedule. Of course this is the last week that my sister is here and chances are they'll screw me back to 26 hrs the day after she departs. Figures.

Anyway, her visit is my excuse for not blogging. I wish she lived closer than 2400 miles away, in freezing, boring Michigan. She has a great life there but damn, I wish she'd at least move closer to here - close enough to drive in one day.

I am going to a birthday party for my great niece next Friday. She's going to be 13 years old. I love her enormously, she is so smart, talented and beautiful. This is her first co-ed party, boys are going to be there. Ooh la la. And my sister too, her grandma.

I have to work tonight from 0300 to 1200.

Creature feature

Since the Book List element didn't work as I had hoped, I added two other side elements instead. One is an ongoing list of the bad drivers I encounter during my day (or night) driving. It has their license plate numbers and their car models. I see color, not the year.

And since I have the vulgar habit of swearing when I write, I have added an adorable Cuss Meter. I am trying to be better at curbing nasty words but shit, some things must be expressed vividly, with foul language.

This website contains 258% MORE profanity than other websites who took this test.

Merde!

So, if you find yourself on my list of asshole drivers, you must have done something pretty aggressive for me to take down your plate number. Try to drive like a decent human. Please. For the sake of those around you trying to get home to their families, control yourself and your damn car.

About my book list

I tried to add a Book List page element under my profile information. Unfortunately I have read so many books, the list was too long and the element was not working. It was also hard to make additions and edit the entries alphabetically. So, I made a post instead. Eventually it will fall off the front page and be archived but I will add to it as I finish reading books.

I just started Into the Wild. I saw this on DVD with Emile Hirsch. I love this kid. He is this generation's Tom Hanks. More often than not I read a book long before it comes on on the screen. I am sure the book will live up to my visual imagination, thanks to Sean Penn's influence.

My BOOK LIST, cover to cover

BOOK LIST


Alder, Warren – Random Hearts
- The War of the Roses

Albom, Mitch – The Five People You Meet in Heaven *

Alda, Alan – Never Have Your Dog Stuffed

Allbury, Ted – The Alpha List
- The Spirit of Liberty

Allen, Charlotte Vale – Memories

Allen, Liz – Network

Alloitt, Catherine – A Married Man
- Rosie Meadows Regrets…

Andrews, Colin (F. Paul Wilson) - Deep As the Marrow

Andrews, Mary Kay – Savannah Breeze

Appignanesi, Lisa – The Dead of Winter
- A Good Woman

Austin, Stephanie – Only a Housewife

Bagshawe, Louise – Tall Poppies
- Tuesday’s Child
- Venus Envy
- When She Was Bad…

Baldacci, David – Absolute Power
- The Christmas Train
- The Collectors
- The Namedropper
- Simple Genius
- The Simple Truth
- Split Second
- Stone Cold
- Total Control
- The Whole Truth
- The Winner
- Wish You Were Well

Ball, Lucille - Love, Lucy

Barak, Michael – The Enigma

Barnes, Zoe – Hot Property

Barry, Jane – Casting

Baxter, Mary Lynn – Tears of Yesterday

Bellow, Saul – Dangling Man

Berg, Paul – Wife for a Day

Bernau, George – Candle in the Wind

Blackwood, Grant – The End of Enemies

Blake, Nicholas – The Smiler with the Knife

Blixen, Karen (Isak Dinesen) – Out of Africa

Bombeck, Erma – Aunt Erma’s Cope Book
- When You Look Like Your Passport, It’s Time to Go Home

Bonner, Hillary – A Deep Deceit
- A Kind of Wild Justice

Booth, Pat – Beverly Hills
- Marry Me
- The Sisters

Born, James O. – Walking Money

Britton, Paul – The Jigsaw Man

Brockmann, Suzanne – Over the Edge

Bronte, Emily – Wurthering Heights

Brown, Dan – The DaVinci Code

Brown, Rita Mae – Pay Dirt
- Venus Envy

Brown, Sandra – A Kiss Remembered
- Where There’s Smoke

Browne, Gerald A – Stone 588

Brumbeau, Jeff – The Quiltmaker’s Gift

Bryan, C.D.B. – Friendly Fire

Burchill, Julie – Ambition

Burdick, Eugene – Nina’s Book

Cabot, Meg – Big Boned
- Queen of Babble

Cannell, Stephen J. – At First Sight
- Three Shirt Deal

Carroll, James – Family Trade

Carroll, Lewis – Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland *
- Through the Looking Glass *

Charriere, Henri – Papillion

Chiaverini, Jennifer – Round Robin
- The Quilter’s Apprentice
- The Quilter’s Homecoming

Child, Lee – Die Trying

Clancy, Tom – Clear and Present Danger
- Debt of Honor
- The Hunt for Red October **
- Op-Center
- Op-Center; Mirror Image
- Power Plays (ruthless.com)
- Without Remorse **

Clark, Mary Higgins – I’ll Be Seeing You

Cole, Martina – Goodnight Lady
- The Jump

Colgan, Jenny – Amanda’s Wedding
- Talking to Addison

Collins, Jackie – Hollywood Husbands
- Lovers and Gamblers
- Rock Star
- Thrill!

Conant-Parks, Jessica/Conant, Susan - Turn Up the Heat

Condon, Richard – Prizzi’s Honour
- The Whisper of an Axe

Connolly, John – Every Dead Thing

Connolly, Ray – Shadows on the Wall

Cooper, Jilly – The Man Who Made Husbands Jealous
- Riders
- Rivals
- Score!

Corman, Avery – The Bust-Out King
- The Old Neighborhood
- Prized Possessions

Cornwell, Patricia – Body of Evidence
- Black Notice
- Book of the Dead
- Blow Fly
- Cause of Death
- From Potter’s Field
- Hornet’s Nest
- Isle of Dogs
- The Last Precinct
- Point of Origin
- Post-Mortem
- Predator
- Southern Cross

Corris, Peter – The Coast Road
- Saving Billie
-Taking Care of Business
- The Undertow

Crais, Robert – L.A. Requiem

Crichton, Michael – Disclosure
- Rising Sun

Crusie, Jennifer – Santa, Baby
- Welcome to Temptation

Darden, Christopher – In Contempt

Dart, Iris Rainer – Beaches
- Show Business Kills
- ‘Til the Real Thing Comes Along

Davis, Karen – Melting Point

Delinsky, Barbara – An Accidental Woman
- Coast Road
- Facets
- Family Tree
- Flirting With Pete
- For My Daughters
- Heart of the Night
- An Irresistible Impulse
- Lake News
- The Passions of Chelsea…
- Rekindled
- The Secret Between Us
- Shades of Grace
- Suddenly
- Together Alone
- The Vineyard
- A Woman’s Place

DeMille, Nelson – The General’s Daughter
- Plum Island
- Word of Honor

Dexter, Colin – The Remorseful Day

Dinmann, John – Unholy Matrimony

Diotlevi, Dave - Miracle Myx

Disch, Thomas M – The Business Man

Dolan, E.V. – A Time for Us

Douglas, Kirk – Dance With the Devil

Doyle, Rodney - The Deportees and Other Stories

Dye, Dale – Conduct Unbecoming

Edwards-Jones, Imogene – My Canapé Hell

Eldredge, John & Stasi
- Captivating

Evanovich, Janet – One for the Money
- Two for the Dough
- Three to Get Deadly *
- Four to Score
- High Five
- Hot Six
- Seven Up
- Hard Eight
- To the Nines
- Ten Big Ones *
- Eleven on Top
- Twelve Sharp*
- Lean Mean Thirteen
- Fearless Fourteen*
- Plum Lovin’
- Plum Lucky
- Visions of Sugar Plums

- Full Blast* (w/Charlotte Hughes)
- Full House*
- Full Scoop
- Full Speed
- Hot Stuff (w/Leanne Banks)
- Love Overboard
- Manhunt
- Motor Mouth
- Smitten
- Thanksgiving

Fairstein, Linda – Cold Hit
- Final Jeopardy
- Likely to Die

Farley, Walter – The Black Stallion and Satan
- The Black Stallion Revolts
- The Black Stallion’s Challenge
- The Black Stallion’s Courage
- The Black Stallion’s Filly
- The Black Stallion’s Ghost

Farrow, Mia – What Falls Away

Fenelon, Fania – Playing For Time

Fielding, Helen – Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination

Fisher, Carrie – The Best Awful
- Postcards from the Edge

Fitch, Janet – White Oleander

Fitzgerald, F. Scott – The Great Gatsby

Forsyth, Frederick – No Comebacks

Foy, Elaine – Man at Work

Fox, Michael J – Lucky Man

Francis, Clare – Betrayal

Frank, Anne – The Diary of a Young Girl

Freeman, Cynthia – Portraits

Freemantle, Brian – See Charlie Run
- The Blind Run

French, Marilyn – Her Mother’s Daughter

Friday, Nancy – Jealousy
- Men in Love
- My Mother, My Self
- Women on Top

Friedman, Philip – Reasonable Doubt

Fullerton, John – The Monkey House

Fulton, Eileen – Soap Opera

Gage, Elizabeth – The Master Stroke

Gann, Ernest K – Band of Brothers

Geary, Tim – Ego
-Spin

Geldof, Bob – Is That It?

Gerritsen, Tess – The Apprentice
- Bloodstream
- Life Support
- The Surgeon
- Whistle Blower

Gino, Carol – Rusty’s Story

Glenn, John – A Memoir

Golding, William – Free Fall
- Lord of the Flies

Goldsmith, Olivia – The Bestseller
- Bad Boy
- Fashionable Lady
- First Wives Club
- Flavour of the Month *
- Marrying Mom
- Pen Pals
- Switcharoo
- Young Wives

Gondage, Eileen – Thorns of Youth

Goodman, Carol – The Lake of Dead Languages

Grafton, Sue – A is for Alibi
- B is for Burglar
- C is for Corpse
- D is for Deadbeat
- E is for Evidence
- F is for Fugitive
- G is for Gumshoe
- H is for Homicide
- I is for Innocent
- J is for Judgment
- K is for Killer
- L is for Lawless
- M is for Malice
- N is for Noose
- O is for Outlaw
- P is for Peril
- Q is for Quarry
- R is for Ricochet
- S is for Silence
- T is for Trespass

Greeley, Andrew M – Patience of a Saint

Griffith, Roslynn – Pretty Birds of Passage

Grisham, John – The Appeal
- The Brethren
- The Chamber
- The Client
- The Firm
- The King of Torts
- A Painted House
- The Partner
- The Pelican Brief
- Playing For Pizza
- The Rainmaker
- Skipping Christmas
- The Street Lawyer
- The Testament

Groom, Winston – Better Times than These

Guterson, David – East of the Mountains
- The Other
- Snow Falling on Cedars *

Hagan, Patricia – Invitation to a Wedding

Hailey, Elizabeth Forsythe – Home Free
- Joanne’s Husband, David’s Wife *

Hannah, Kristin – Summer Island *

Harper, David – The Hanged Man

Harris, Leonard – The Masada Plan

Harris, Thomas – Hannibal
- Red Dragon
- Silence of the Lambs

Hartov, Steve – The Heat of Ramadan

Hassler, Jon – The Love Hunter

Hatfield, Kate – Drowning in Honey

Hawke, Ethan – Ash Wednesday

Hayes, Joseph – Missing… and Presumed Dead

Heilbroner, David – Death Benefit

Heller, Joseph – Catch 22
- God Knows *

Hemingway, Ernest – Fiesta, the Sun Also Rises
- A Moveable Feast

Hepburn, Katherine – Me

Hiaasen, Carl – Strip Tease

Hoag, Tami – Ashes to Ashes

Holm, Stef Ann – Lucy Gets Her Life Back

Howatch, Susan – Sins of the Father

Huxley, Aldous – Brave New World

Ignatius, Davis – A Firing Offence
- Body of Lies
- The Sun King

Iles, Greg – The Quiet Game

Ironside, Elizabeth – A Good Death

Irving, John – The Fourth Hand

Issacs, Susan – After All These Years
- Any Place I Hang My Hat
- Magic Hour*
- Red, White and Blue

Jackson, Lee – Redemption

James, Erica – The Holiday

Jamison, Kelly – The Wedding Contract

Johnston, Velda – Shadow Behind the Curtain

Jowitt, Susannah – Out of My Head

Johansen, Iris – The Ugly Duckling

Junger, Sebastian – Fire
- The Perfect Storm

Kanon, Joseph – The Prodigal Son

Kargman, Jill – Momzillas

Kellerman, Faye – Burnt House
- Day of Atonement
- Jupiter’s Bones
- Milk and Honey
- Moon Music
- Sacred and Profane
- Serpent’s Tooth
- Stalker
- Stone Kiss

Kellerman, Jesse – Sunstroke
- Trouble

Kellerman, Jonathan and Faye – Capital Crimes
- Double Homicide

Kellerman, Jonathan – Bad Love
- Billy Straight
- Blood Test
- The Clinic
- A Cold Heart
- The Conspiracy Club
- Dr. Death
- Flesh and Blood
- Gone
- Monster
- The Murder Book
- Obsession
- Over the Edge
- Private Eyes
- Rage
- Self-Defense
- Silent Partner
- Survival of the Fittest
- Therapy
- Time Bomb
- Twisted
- The Web
- When the Bough Breaks

Kelman, Judith – After the Fall

Kenner, Julie – The Prada Paradox

Keyes, Martin – Last Chance Saloon

Knowles, John – A Separate Place

Koch, C.L. – The Year of Living Dangerously

Lamb, Wally – She’s Come Undone

La Plante, Lynda – Cold Shoulder

Lawrence, D.H. – Lady Chatterley’s Lover
- Sons and Lovers

Lecard, Marc – Vinnie’s Head

Le Carre, John – Call for the Dead
- Naïve and Sentimental Lover
- Single and Single
- A Small Town in Germany
- Smiley’s People

Leonard, Elmore – At First Sight
- Bandits
- Be Cool
- Cuba Libra
- Dutch Treat
- Freaky Deaky
- Get Shorty
- The Hot Kid
- Kill Shot
- La Brava
- Maximum Bob
- Mr. Paradise
- Pagen Babies
- Pronto
- Stick
- Tishamingo Blues
- Touch
- Up In Honey’s Room
- Valdez is Coming
- When the Women Come Out to Dance

Lescroart, John – Hard Evidence
- The Hunt Club

Lewis, Susan – Silent Truths
- Wildfire

Lindsey, David – The Colour of the Night

Linkletter, Art – Oops! Or, Life’s Awful Moments

Lively, Penelope – Tiger Moon

Ludlum, Robert – The Aquitaine Progression
- The Bourne Betrayal (Van Lustbader)
- The Bourne Identity
- The Bourne Legacy (Van Lustbader)
- The Bourne Supremacy *
- The Bourne Ultimatum
- The Chancellor Manuscript
- The Cry of the Halidon
- The Gemini Contenders
- The Holcroft Covenant
- The Icarus Agenda
- The Maltese Circle
- The Parsifil Mosaic
- The Rhineman Exchange
- The Road to Gandolfo
- The Road to Omaha
- The Scarlatti Inheritance
- The Scorpio Illusion
- (Jonathan Ryder) – Trevayne

Lutz, Lisa – The Spellman Files

Maclean, Charles – The Silence

Mailer, Norman – Tough Guys Don’t Dance

Mansell, Jill – Falling For You
- Head Over Heels
- Kiss
- Mixed Doubles
- Sheer Mischief

Margolin, Phillip M – The Burning Man

Margolis, Sue – Neurotica

Markandaya, Kamala – Nectar in a Sieve

Martini, Steve – The Attorney
- The List
- The Simeon Chamber
- Undue Influence

Matthews, Carole – A Compromising Position
- A Minor Indiscretion
- A Whiff of Scandal

Mc Carthy, Cormac – All the Pretty Horses
- The Road

Mc Carthy, Erin – A Date With the Other Side
- Heiress for Hire
- Houston, We Have a Problem
- You Don’t Know Jack

Mc Ginness, Joe – Blind Faith

Mc Millan, Terry – How Stella Got Her Groove Back
- Waiting to Exhale

Mc Murty, Larry – The Late Child
- Terms of Endearment

Meltzer, Brad – Dead Even
- The First Counsel

Michael, Judith – A Tangled Web

Miller, Zell – Corp Values

Mitchard, Jacquelyn – Deep End of the Ocean
- Still Summer

Monaghan, Nicola – The Killing Jar

Mortman, Doris – Rightfully Mine

Naylor, Clare – Catching Alice

North, Freya – Cat

O’Callaghan, Sean – The Informer

O’Dell, Tawni – Back Roads
- Coal Run
- Sister Mine

Pace, Alison – Through Thick and Thin
- Pug Hill

Pacter, Anne – Living Doll

Palmer, Diana – Friends and Lovers
- Rage of Passion

Palmer, Michael – Miracle Cure

Parrish, P.J. – Paint it Black

Parker, Imogene – The Men in Her Life

Parsons, Julie – Mary, Mary

Patterson, James – Kiss the Girls

Patterson, Richard North – The Final Judgment

Pearson, Allison – I Don’t Know How She Does It

Peck, M. Scott – The Road Less Traveled

Picoult, Jodi – Change of Heart
- Harvesting the Heart
- Keeping Faith
- Mercy
- My Sister’s Keeper
- Nineteen Minutes
- Perfect Match
- Second Glance
- The Tenth Circle

Pilcher, Rosamunde – Coming Home
- The Day of the Storm
- The Empty House
- The Shell Seekers
- Under Gemini

Plimpton, George – The Curious Case of Sidd Finch
- The Paper Lion

Poe, Edgar Allan – Tales of Mystery and Imagination

Povey, Jeff – The Serial Killers Club

Puzo, Mario – The Godfather

Rand, Ayn - Atlas Shrugged

Rankin, Ian – The Hanging Garden

Reid, Carmen – How Was It For You?

Rendell, Ruth – Adam and Eve and Pinch Me
- Harm Done
- A New Lease on Death
- Road Rage
- A Sight for Sore Eyes

Richards, Thomas – Zero Tolerance

Rice, Luanne – Dance with Me

Robbins, Tom – Another Roadside Attraction *
- Even Cowgirls Get the Blues **
- Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates ***
- Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas **
- Jitterbug Perfume **
- Skinny Legs and All ***
- Still Life with Woodpecker *
- Villa Incognito **
- Wild Ducks Flying Backwards

Rosenberg, Nancy Taylor – First Offence
- Interest of Justice
- Mitigating Circumstances

Rowling, J. K. – Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

Rucka, Greg – A Fistful of Rain

Russel, Renee – Nobody’s Fool

Safran Foer, Jonathan – Everything is Illuminated **
- Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close *

Salinger, J. D. – Catcher in the Rye
- Franny and Zoe

Sanders, Lawrence – The Fourth Deadly Sin
- Mc Nally’s Risk
- The Passions of Molly T.
- The Seduction of Peter $
- Sullivan’s Sting
- The Tangent Factor

Sanders, Leonard – The Hamlet Ultimatum

Saunders, Kate – Wild Young Bohemians

Scanlan, Patricia – Apartment 3B
- City Women
- Promises, Promises
- Mirror, Mirror

Schmook, Kathy Grizzard – From Debutante to Doublewide

Scottoline, Lisa – Moment of Truth

Sebastian, Tim – Spy Shadow

Sedaris, David – Holidays on Ice
- Me Talk Pretty One Day
- Naked

Seinfield, Jerry – SeinLanguage

Shankman, Sarah – First Kill All the Lawyers

Shapiro, Marc – Behind Sad Eyes: The Life of George Harrison

Shaw, Irwin – Acceptable Losses
- Evening in Byzantium
- Rich Man, Poor Man
- The Top of the Hill

Silva, Daniel – Mark of the Assassin

Sinha, Indra – Cybergypsies

Sisman, Robyn – Perfect Strangers

Skinner, M.L. – The Fifth Sparrow

Smith, Joan – By Hook or By Crook

Smoke, Stephen – Deliver Us from Evil

Sparks, Nicholas – A Bend in the Road
- At First Sight
- The Choice

Spindler, Erica – All Fall Down *

Stafford, Jean – Boston Adventure

Stewart, Edward – Mortal Grace

Stoll, Clifford – The Cuckoo’s Egg
- Silicone Snake Oil

Stout, Rex – Gambit

Strout, Elizabeth - Abide With Me

Tan, Amy – The Hundred Secret Senses
- The Joy Luck Club
- The Kitchen God’s Wife

Tem, Steve Rasnic & Melanie – The Man on the Ceiling

Thomas, Rosie – Every Woman Knows a Secret

Tiffin, Patricia – Watching Vanessa

Thompson, Earl – A Garden of Sand (THE worst novel ever)

Thompson, Kate – The Blue Hour

Thompson, Thomas – Serpentine

Trollope, Joanna - Next of Kin

Tropper, Jonathan – How to Talk to a Widower

Turow, Scott – The Burden of Proof
- The Laws of Our Fathers
- Limitations
- Ordinary Heroes
- Personal Injuries
- Pleading Guilty
- Presumed Innocent

Tyler, Anne – Diary at the Homesick Restaurant

Uris, Leon – Topaz

Van Lusterbader, Eric – The Bourne Legacy

Van Slyke, Helen – Sisters and Strangers

Vincenzi, Penny – Almost a Crime
- Another Woman
- The Dilemma
- Forbidden Places
- Into Temptation
- No Angel
- Old Sins
- An Outrageous Affair
- Windfall

Waite, Terry – Footfalls in Memory
- Taken on Trust

Wallace, Irving – The R Document
- The Sins of Philip Fleming

Waller, Robert James – The Bridges of Madison County
- Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend

Walters, Minette – The Dark Room

Wambaugh, Joseph – Hollywood Crows

Warfield, Gallatin – Silent Witness

Wells, Rebecca – Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

Whalen, B.J. (Bernard and Jon) – Justifiable Homicide

Wharton, William – A Midnight Clear

White, Gillian – Night Visitor
- Unhallowed Ground

Wilde, Oscar – Picture of Dorian Gray

Willocks, Tim – Green River Rising

Wilson, Sloan – Pacific Interlude

Wood, Barbara – Perfect Harmony

Woodward, Bob – The Agenda

Yorke, Margaret – Almost the Truth




Hill, Sandra & Holmes, Kate & Jensen, Trish – Here Comes Santa Clause… right down lover’s lane

Lloyd, Josie & Rees, Emlyn – The Boy Next Door, Come Again

Assorted authors – Boys Night In, Girls Night Out

Socialism as a Social Society – The Practice, Problems and Prospects
Progress Publishers of Moscow


(* indicates read twice)
(** indicates read thrice)
(*** etcetera )