Cocks and the men who swing them

The reason I use a blog is put my thoughts into words, whether anyone reads my opinion is irrelevent. I am here because it is anonymous. I can rant, discuss, confess, justify or prattle on and no one is going to care.

Today I want to write about dicks. Or cocks or penises or whatever you want to call them. I've had my share of good sex and know a lovely penis when I see one. I've seen bents ones, long ones, thick ones, short ones, fat ones, swords, poles and pathetic softies that no amount of sucking can wake from the dead.

My ex had a nice cock. Too bad he shared it after we were married. It was long and lean and I loved giving it a throaty test drive before the main event. He liked that too. A lot.

My most recent long term relationship, seven loving years, had a sports model cock. It was okay but not a limo, if ya know what I mean. There are advantages to having a sports model in your trousers. Ladies can do things with it they cannot do with a longer ones. It goes places that are snug and tight. It was not until after we separated that his owning a sporty, fast race car made sense. I suppose that old adage rings true. What you drive does indicate what you're lacking in other areas.

Now to Blake.

I could cry writing this.

See how close I am? I was on the edge of the stage at the Temecula Valley Balloon and Wine Festival when Blake Shelton was singing and playing. I saw everything, up close and personal. He shook my hand, pointed at me, smiled, sang awesome, rocked, played guitar, posed and the show was everything I had hoped it would be.

Then why I am ready to cry? I'll tell ya why. Blake Shelton's crotch was flatter than a Ken Doll.

He is six four or five, maybe 190lb. His inseam has got to be 36 inches. For goodness sakes, I was hoping for a small thrill, a bump where his package should be. It was absent. He must wear the tightest whities in the history of BVDs.

I think I should start a petition for him to pose naked so we can be sure we don't want to go loving on nobody but him.

Temecula Valley Ballon and Wine Festival

Yesterday was the opening day of the Temecula Valley Balloon and Wine Festival, which runs three consecutive days. This is the twenty-fifth year they've had this wonderful festival. Last February when I did not get to see Blake Shelton at the House of Blues in West Hollywood I was devastated. When I heard he'd be in Temecula, I was estatic.

A few days ago I bought the best possible tickets online. This service was easy, not too expensive (a five dollar fee) and instant. The only trouble was their server has been offline and down since I bought the tickets and I was unable to print them for the concert. Calling for one whole day was futile, altho after I did get through, being on an automated recording ate up the rest of my monthly minutes on my cell phone. Finally, on the second day, I got thru.

"OH, we know the server is down. We expect it back up within the hour, keep trying," Isabelle said, "you could just take your email with the transaction number with you and they can make you a ticket there." Me, "Oh really. The same email that says this is not a ticket? What if that doesn't work?" Her, "It'll work." Me, "And if it doesn't?" Her, "It'll work. Me, "BUT what if it doesn't?" She hung up.

My sister left her work early. This is a miracle. She was at my place early and we left around 2:30 pm. I got the bright idea to stop at my bank on the way and get a print out of the ticket transaction being posted. I mean anyone can make an email. I suppose anyone could make a bank statement too.

It took us an hour to get there, she drove. There was a fuck up on the freeway as we neared Temecula becaue some biker gang down in Fallbrook decided to have a gunfight with cops and they closed the freeway in both directions. Since my sister used to live in Temecula, back when the population was under ten thousand, she knows short cuts!

We get to the gate at Lake Skinner and in we go. The rangers tried to tell us the park didn't let in festival people until 5 pm but we went anyway. They said to turn around after the checkstand but I told her keep going. Not a lot of people know this but I used to be a ranger at that lake twenty years ago. I know short cuts too.

Anyway.

Long story short. The bank's proof of payment and the email together was enough for one of the chairpersons for the festival to go get us the golden bracelets that would get us in front row center and into the gourmet buffet tent next to the stage. And we were an hour and a half early.

This is HOW CLOSE we were.

Shane Mack won a contest and was invited to open at the Friday night gig. He was good, I predict he'll be a big name in a short time. His songs were clever. He had a great voice and a tight band. He did a cover of a Three Dog Night song and I couldn't help but smile. My high school sweetheart plays with Chuck Negron now and I saw Three Dog Night when I was just 13 at a festival in Ontario, Ca called the November Jam. This was a few years before they held the California Jam and the US Festivals.





Before the genuis chairperson came back with our bracelets, we set up out chairs in front of the stage and watched John Waite do a sound check and tune up. John Waite was in the Babies and Bad English and I Ain't Missing You is one of my favorite songs. I love that guy. The above photo was taking during the show. But he let me take pictures when they were doing the sound check. His show rocked. When he came back for an encore, I walked to the stage and he was sweet enough to autograph my program.

Blake Shelton. I get goosebumps. He is so hot. His show was awesome. I wanted to see him up close. I did. My sister was in heaven. We were singing and dancing and looking up his long legs. Mmm, oh yeah. He reached out and shook hands. He shook mine, and my sister's. When he was doing his hit song The More I Drink, I was smiling and dancing and he pointed at me and winked. How did he know??

I am a little pissed off at myself. I need to spend some money and get a better camera. I barely took any decent photos from this show because his face was so over-exposed from the stage lights. Lots of action and they were blurry. Or maybe my hands were shaking. Beats me. I know what I saw and heard and that is good enough for me.

During the show Blake sat down for a couple of acoustic songs. He place a stool near the front of the stage and sang solo sitting in a single pool of light. I think his voice has just gotten better and better with time. There was another time during the show that the roadie who handed him his guitar made a remark and Blake called him back to explain himself. It was something like, "If you think it's soooo easy, you do it!" I am sure this was all pre-staged and probably a part of the regular show, not improvised. Anyway, the roadie ended up doing a few songs while Blake sat down and watched. He wasn't bad and it was all in good fun.

Before Blake departed the stage for good, he reached down and autographed the program too. I loved this show. It was worth every penny. I wish it could have gone on longer or I could have invited him home for.... nevermind.

Blake's band is awesome. They are tight, in synch and solid. They are talented, fun and personable. When the show was done the bass player came back out and signed a cast for a kid with a broken arm. I saw him there so I walked over. I had been blowing him kisses all night anyway. When I told him I had just watched him on Stripped before we came today, he walked over and pulled the set list off the stage and gave it to me. What a sweetie!

Here it is.

California and that is underlined.

This Can't Be Good

Nobody But Me

The More I Drink

She Don't Love Me

Goodbye Time

Tight Fittin Jeans

Acoustic (2)

Home

Cotton Pickin

Don't Make Me

Playboys

Austin

Some Beach

Redneck Girl

Ol' Red

I have to tell you, it takes one small snub to make someone dislike you. But it takes and even smaller kindness to make someone a fan for life. I believe if more performers knew this, taking 30 seconds to sign a cast would not seem like such a great sacrifice at all.

Blake Shelton this Friday

I bought the best possible tickets, they set me back $260. We will be in front and my sister M is driving. I explained to her that she cannot hang out at her work until closing time, that we'll be eating a catered gourmet feast before the show and sitting next to the stage, me sipping a gutsy Cabernet Sav or her gulping a Dr Pepper and being late will not be an option or tolerated.

OMG! BLAKE SHELTON!!

Is this guy smoking hot or what?

Dimples. Hubba, hubba.

As my week unwinds

My sister K went home to Michigan last Monday. I was sorry to see her leave. After the death of my bestfriend Annette last year, K has become my bestfriend. It was always easy to shine on her influence over me, we're related. She is older than me by eleven years. She is an avid gardener, a woman of Christ, loves all kids and puts up with me. That alone should get her nod towards sainthood. But she is human too. She gets gas, snores sometimes and once in a blue moon will burn a waffle. This is why I love her so.

Her and I are co-reading the One-Year Chronological Bible. I am behind a month. Not because of her visit but because I cannot get off the Elmore Leonard books. They're like catnip!

And speaking of sisters, my sister M called two days ago to ask if I usually work Wednesdays. Yes I do, why? She was scheduled for pre-op tests this Friday (tomorrow) for surgery next Wednesday the 30th on her left arm, the elbow area precisely and she needs a ride home after surgery. See, she has Kaiser, the very butt-holios that ruined her arm in the first place and they won't do surgery unless you have a designated driver outta the joint. That's where I come in.

Next Wednesday, the 30th, is the Grand Opening of MY STORE! This has been in the planning stages since last Sept. The blood, sweat and construction stages have made work a disaster zone since October and for God's sake, it is finally coming to fruition, THIS WEDNESDAY! Anyhoo, I say, "What time will you get out?" She'll let me know as soon as she knows. Oooooo-kay.

I am mindful of two things while I mull this over. One, she never asks me to do anything for her. She is a solo-mio personality. She's secretive, a loner and a martyr. This is the same sister who blew off Blake Shelton for her birthday last February because the House of Blues in West Hollywood was too far to drive on a Friday night. She is the driver, always is, always will be, except it seems when Kaiser tells her she can't. The second thing I mull over is that in the last eight months that my store has been under construction and I have said over and over ad nauseum within her hearing range on many, many occasions that the GRAND OPENING is APRIL 30TH, she never listened to me or registered the date in her brain.

Kaiser lost her co-payment and she is fussing with her bank to get proof of payment. She'll probably put off the surgery until it gets so bad that she'll be forced into because of the pain. Did I mention she's a martyr? I arranged to have someone else get her so I could attend my GRAND OPENING! Duh! It's all moot now anyway.

And speaking of Blake Shelton.... I am getting a second chance this year to see him in concert. This handsome, sexy, tall drink of water is playing at the Temecula Valley Balloon and Wine festival this June. OMG! I am sooooo going. I called sister M and asked her if she wanted to go too, HELL YEAH! I said listen up bitch, we have over one month to arrange that night off so we can be front row center looking up Blake's long legs and drooling ourselves silly. I am going to splurge and buy the best seats available. He is worth it. Just thinking he is back in Ca, twice in one year and in MY OWN BACKYARD makes me tingle. I won't say where. I cannot stop smiling.

http://www.tvbwf.com/

Heartsick

Click HEARTSICK to see Blake on Stripped.


In the middle of last week I found out that Blake Shelton was going to be in the Southern California area playing three gigs this week. This was good for soooo many reasons, let me count the ways.

He usually plays back east or in the midwest. He's from Oklahoma and Nashville. He does fairs, casinos, the places I seldom frequent.

He was playing for three days straight, one of which I did not have to work the day after. This never happens. I work 0300 to 1200 and I can't pull all nighters at this job the way I used to do when I was younger at jobs that didn't mean shit to me. I tried this at a BB King, Al Green and Etta James concert last September and my gawd, I was like the walking dead the next day.

I discovered Blake Shelton at work. My co-workers play the radio LOUD at night. One guy listens to heavy metal, another guy likes rock, another is a country-western maniac. Country-western is the boss boss, so we listen to his station the most. One night about six months ago, "The More I Drink" came on and oooh la la, I was in love. That song is so catchy and easy to like. Nevermind that the more I drink, the more I drink. Really, really. Days later another cool song comes on, turns out that is Blake Shelton too. Same thing happens a week later. Man, this Shelton is all over the radio waves.

So, like a good little sister I call my big sister M, she's the country expert in our family.

"Hey girlie."

"Hiya! What's going on?"

"You ever hear of Blake Shelton?"

"Hell yeah, he's awesome. I have all his CDs."

"BITCH!"

At this point she giggles because she knows when I call someone a bitch it's because I am jealous of them. It isn't a personal attack. It's an endearment of the gangster variety.

"He's one taaaaa-aaall drink o'water. He makes me thirsty!"

"He is?"

"Hell yeah. He's gotta be 6'4" easy. Closer to 6'6" in cowboy boots. I liked him better with long hair."

"He had long hair?"

"Come over. Let's do some Blake."

So I went. We listened. I was smitten. I bought his CD Pure BS on the way home. When I got here I Googled him. God did good. Blake is a tall drink of water. Not only does he have talent from here to South America, he has dimples, a killer smile, a wicked sense of humor and a bod that makes my panties damp. Okay. That's an exaggeration but still, he's smoking hot.

Anyway that is how I came to know about and like Blake Shelton. Onward.

So, three dates, Wednesday the 20th at the House of Blues in West Hollywood. This works. I have Thursday off. House of Blues is closer than the Fourth and B in San Diego or the Santa Clarita Center for Performing Arts. I get a big plan, blast off an email and make the call Friday night.

"Hey. Did you get my email? Blake Shelton is playing next Weds in Hollywood, wanna go for your birthday?!! It'll be great!"

"Not really. It's too far and we'd never make it in time.We'd miss the show."

The doors open at 7:30p.m and the show starts at 8:30p.m. and I know it'll take an easy two hours to get there through traffic but goodness sakes, she's salary!! She could leave early IF she WANTED TO!

Ugh. Okay. Truth is I was trying to kill three birds with one stone. I wanna see Blake, it was her birthday but my car Betty is in bad shape and I wanted sister M to drive. She LOVES to drive. She never lets me drive her anywhere, ever! Betty has a misfiring number two cylinder and needs some TLC.

At this point I want to drive my scarey car, go alone if I have to. I am fearless. But it gets worse.The new work schedules come out on Fridays at 1pm, but I depart at 1200 so I don't see that I am actually on the schedule for the Thursday following the HOB gig until I arrive to work on Sat. Shit!

There is no way to make this long story short. Monday night I was still looking at tickets online. I was broke but didn't care. I was determined to go. For gawdsakes, Blake is here, in town!! I found someone who'd go with me, maybe drive. It's only $50! and if I have to buy two tickets, dammit I will! But he didn't call on Tuesday to confirm, that bastard. By Tuesday there was only SRO tix available. I was still wanting to go but Wednesday after work, it then started to rain. Hard. Oh for fuck's sake!

Let's add this up - major cash shortage, scarey running car, no solid tickets, SRO at the door if I was lucky, no one to go with me, drive alone on a worknight where I have to be at work the next morning at 3am, through two hours of gridlock, maybe both ways, on no sleep because I worked 3-12 Tueday night, in the pouring rain.....

I once hitchhiked to Las Vegas with ten bucks wearing just a bikini. I had a ball. I miss the old days.