Don't volunteer me

I work with a bunch of women, guys too. I work pretty exclusively with a woman named Yolanda. Some days she is lazy and other times she actually gets some work done. She is close to another employee named Yvonne. It is when she is around Yvonne that her productively drops to below zero. I know Yvonne, I like her, she is getting married in August. I think she is twenty, I don't know for sure because altho we are genial to one another, she has never invited me to her house/apt. See, I don't even know where she lives. These two women know I am an excellent cook. I have brought stuff with me to work and shared and they rave about how fabulous I am. I already know this. Another lifetime ago I owned my own successful catering business and I was the head chef.

So. Back to Yolanda and Yvonne. This one day at work a few weeks ago, I saw Yvonne talking with Yo about her bridal shower and they were looking over a price sheet for relish trays, sandwich trays, fruit or veggie trays, meat and cheese trays. You get the idea. Some of these ran close to $50 and more. I asked who was throwing her shower. She said no one.

Red flag.

No one? I asked, "What about your aunts or your bestfriend or the girls you go to church with?" Nope. No one. I think she talked Yolanda into doing it. So Yolanda says to me, right in front of Yvonne, "Honey Bee, why don't you do the food? You're the bomb!" The first thing I said was, "WOW, thanks for volunteering me. I hate when people do that." I gave her a few pointers but said, totally serious, if she cannot afford these trays, she cannot afford to hire me to do her food. I am expensive because I am the bomb.

This seemed to bend Yolanda out of shape and she said, "Sheesh, but she's your friend." Well, arguing about this would have been lost on her since she's been to Yvonne's house and gets rides from her to work and they hang out. Not with me tho. Plus another thing, it would have been cruel to point out the absurdity of this remark in front of Yvonne.

I said, "If you want tips I'll be happy to share. That's the best I can do." i just walked away shaking my head.

Today as I was walking thru work I saw Yvonne and asked her if she straightened out her bridal shower food choices. She shook her head rather strangely and said that they were not going to do trays, they were going to do salads. Oh how nice.

A few hours later Yolanda shows up for work and says to me she is going to need my address for the bridal shower invitation. I say yeah. We're still working and a little while later Yvonne comes by and asks for the address too, I give it to her.

Not twenty minutes later as we're moving onto another phase of our work, Yvonne is tagging alone and Yolanda is yapping away and I'm not paying attention. She says, "Honey Bee, you can bring your chicken salad, that'll be good." "What chicken salad? Where? I make three different kinds, what are you talking about?" "To the bridal shower, your awesome chicken salad." I'm thinking WTF?

"We want you to bring the salad." "The Thai Salad? For you?" "Yes." Then Yolanda says there are going to be twenty people there. Oh for God's sakes. I said, "I'll think about it."

I didn't need to think about this. Out of the kindness of my heart have have shared food with my co-workers and they think this entitles them to invite me to a bridal shower with the sole purpose of getting me to bring the food. Guests do not bring the food. If it were a potluck party that'd be way different.

My Thai Salad is spectacular. It is also expensive. To cater this main dish salad for twenty women at a bridal shower would cost a minimum of $200. Like I said, she cannot afford. I also don't feel like I know her well enough to cough up all that money and time bringing food to a bridal shower I have no intention of attending.

IF SHE wants to pay to have me make the salad, she needs to hire me. Not invite me and my food. I am so pissed off at Yolanda. I told her before that I didn't appreciate her volunteering me or putting me on the spot and having to point out that Yvonne doesn't have anyone who can afford to hire me for her party.

Happy Birthday Sis

Today is my sister K's birthday.

Cocks and the men who swing them

The reason I use a blog is put my thoughts into words, whether anyone reads my opinion is irrelevent. I am here because it is anonymous. I can rant, discuss, confess, justify or prattle on and no one is going to care.

Today I want to write about dicks. Or cocks or penises or whatever you want to call them. I've had my share of good sex and know a lovely penis when I see one. I've seen bents ones, long ones, thick ones, short ones, fat ones, swords, poles and pathetic softies that no amount of sucking can wake from the dead.

My ex had a nice cock. Too bad he shared it after we were married. It was long and lean and I loved giving it a throaty test drive before the main event. He liked that too. A lot.

My most recent long term relationship, seven loving years, had a sports model cock. It was okay but not a limo, if ya know what I mean. There are advantages to having a sports model in your trousers. Ladies can do things with it they cannot do with a longer ones. It goes places that are snug and tight. It was not until after we separated that his owning a sporty, fast race car made sense. I suppose that old adage rings true. What you drive does indicate what you're lacking in other areas.

Now to Blake.

I could cry writing this.

See how close I am? I was on the edge of the stage at the Temecula Valley Balloon and Wine Festival when Blake Shelton was singing and playing. I saw everything, up close and personal. He shook my hand, pointed at me, smiled, sang awesome, rocked, played guitar, posed and the show was everything I had hoped it would be.

Then why I am ready to cry? I'll tell ya why. Blake Shelton's crotch was flatter than a Ken Doll.

He is six four or five, maybe 190lb. His inseam has got to be 36 inches. For goodness sakes, I was hoping for a small thrill, a bump where his package should be. It was absent. He must wear the tightest whities in the history of BVDs.

I think I should start a petition for him to pose naked so we can be sure we don't want to go loving on nobody but him.

Forgotten story

Sweet! Honey drips out of Calif. family’s walls

But thousands of bees have gone too far in turning home into hive


SAN MARINO, Calif. - The situation at the Stathatos house on Virginia Road is getting sticky. So many bees live in the walls of the stately Tudor home that honey drips out of the walls, discoloring the wallpaper in the dining room.

The bees had been good tenants, peacefully coexisting for years with the home's human residents, Helen and Jerry Stathatos.

But lately bees have been buzzing around an upstairs bedroom, said Dustin Mackey, a bee removal expert with Bee Specialist.

Mackey made a house call in late February to vacuum the busy insects from a window frame and seal the floor in the bedroom.

"You walk into the house and it smells sweet," Mackey said. "I felt like I was in a jar of honey."
Mackey said Jerry Stathatos said the bee problem had been going on for at least 20 years, but living in an apiary never bothered the family.

Calls Wednesday to Helen and Jerry Stathatos were not returned.

Mackey said Stathatos decided against removing the bees because it might require them to pull down several interior walls, where "thousands, maybe millions" of bees have taken up residence.
"They are making honey and we can't even get to it," Helen Stathatos told the San Gabriel Valley Tribune newspaper.

Just outside the front door, near a hole the bees use to enter the house, Mackey saw thousands of bees "just hanging in clumps."

"They've got the most beautiful garden you've ever seen, with flowers all around the house. It's the perfect environment for bees," said Mackey.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23617763/

Temecula Valley Ballon and Wine Festival

Yesterday was the opening day of the Temecula Valley Balloon and Wine Festival, which runs three consecutive days. This is the twenty-fifth year they've had this wonderful festival. Last February when I did not get to see Blake Shelton at the House of Blues in West Hollywood I was devastated. When I heard he'd be in Temecula, I was estatic.

A few days ago I bought the best possible tickets online. This service was easy, not too expensive (a five dollar fee) and instant. The only trouble was their server has been offline and down since I bought the tickets and I was unable to print them for the concert. Calling for one whole day was futile, altho after I did get through, being on an automated recording ate up the rest of my monthly minutes on my cell phone. Finally, on the second day, I got thru.

"OH, we know the server is down. We expect it back up within the hour, keep trying," Isabelle said, "you could just take your email with the transaction number with you and they can make you a ticket there." Me, "Oh really. The same email that says this is not a ticket? What if that doesn't work?" Her, "It'll work." Me, "And if it doesn't?" Her, "It'll work. Me, "BUT what if it doesn't?" She hung up.

My sister left her work early. This is a miracle. She was at my place early and we left around 2:30 pm. I got the bright idea to stop at my bank on the way and get a print out of the ticket transaction being posted. I mean anyone can make an email. I suppose anyone could make a bank statement too.

It took us an hour to get there, she drove. There was a fuck up on the freeway as we neared Temecula becaue some biker gang down in Fallbrook decided to have a gunfight with cops and they closed the freeway in both directions. Since my sister used to live in Temecula, back when the population was under ten thousand, she knows short cuts!

We get to the gate at Lake Skinner and in we go. The rangers tried to tell us the park didn't let in festival people until 5 pm but we went anyway. They said to turn around after the checkstand but I told her keep going. Not a lot of people know this but I used to be a ranger at that lake twenty years ago. I know short cuts too.

Anyway.

Long story short. The bank's proof of payment and the email together was enough for one of the chairpersons for the festival to go get us the golden bracelets that would get us in front row center and into the gourmet buffet tent next to the stage. And we were an hour and a half early.

This is HOW CLOSE we were.

Shane Mack won a contest and was invited to open at the Friday night gig. He was good, I predict he'll be a big name in a short time. His songs were clever. He had a great voice and a tight band. He did a cover of a Three Dog Night song and I couldn't help but smile. My high school sweetheart plays with Chuck Negron now and I saw Three Dog Night when I was just 13 at a festival in Ontario, Ca called the November Jam. This was a few years before they held the California Jam and the US Festivals.





Before the genuis chairperson came back with our bracelets, we set up out chairs in front of the stage and watched John Waite do a sound check and tune up. John Waite was in the Babies and Bad English and I Ain't Missing You is one of my favorite songs. I love that guy. The above photo was taking during the show. But he let me take pictures when they were doing the sound check. His show rocked. When he came back for an encore, I walked to the stage and he was sweet enough to autograph my program.

Blake Shelton. I get goosebumps. He is so hot. His show was awesome. I wanted to see him up close. I did. My sister was in heaven. We were singing and dancing and looking up his long legs. Mmm, oh yeah. He reached out and shook hands. He shook mine, and my sister's. When he was doing his hit song The More I Drink, I was smiling and dancing and he pointed at me and winked. How did he know??

I am a little pissed off at myself. I need to spend some money and get a better camera. I barely took any decent photos from this show because his face was so over-exposed from the stage lights. Lots of action and they were blurry. Or maybe my hands were shaking. Beats me. I know what I saw and heard and that is good enough for me.

During the show Blake sat down for a couple of acoustic songs. He place a stool near the front of the stage and sang solo sitting in a single pool of light. I think his voice has just gotten better and better with time. There was another time during the show that the roadie who handed him his guitar made a remark and Blake called him back to explain himself. It was something like, "If you think it's soooo easy, you do it!" I am sure this was all pre-staged and probably a part of the regular show, not improvised. Anyway, the roadie ended up doing a few songs while Blake sat down and watched. He wasn't bad and it was all in good fun.

Before Blake departed the stage for good, he reached down and autographed the program too. I loved this show. It was worth every penny. I wish it could have gone on longer or I could have invited him home for.... nevermind.

Blake's band is awesome. They are tight, in synch and solid. They are talented, fun and personable. When the show was done the bass player came back out and signed a cast for a kid with a broken arm. I saw him there so I walked over. I had been blowing him kisses all night anyway. When I told him I had just watched him on Stripped before we came today, he walked over and pulled the set list off the stage and gave it to me. What a sweetie!

Here it is.

California and that is underlined.

This Can't Be Good

Nobody But Me

The More I Drink

She Don't Love Me

Goodbye Time

Tight Fittin Jeans

Acoustic (2)

Home

Cotton Pickin

Don't Make Me

Playboys

Austin

Some Beach

Redneck Girl

Ol' Red

I have to tell you, it takes one small snub to make someone dislike you. But it takes and even smaller kindness to make someone a fan for life. I believe if more performers knew this, taking 30 seconds to sign a cast would not seem like such a great sacrifice at all.

An elephant never forgets

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all of my friends who send me those heartwarming stories.

Blake Shelton this Friday

I bought the best possible tickets, they set me back $260. We will be in front and my sister M is driving. I explained to her that she cannot hang out at her work until closing time, that we'll be eating a catered gourmet feast before the show and sitting next to the stage, me sipping a gutsy Cabernet Sav or her gulping a Dr Pepper and being late will not be an option or tolerated.

OMG! BLAKE SHELTON!!

AIW Quilt

I started the quilt.

I had hoped a friend of the family would help me make some verses on squares to place stratigically next to the characters who say them. The deal was, they were to be embroidered. I cannot embroider tho. Duh! My family friend has an embroidery sewing machine.

Anyway. She is gone on vacation and what I had in mind would cost around twenty bucks or more per square if I have it done professionally. I cannot afford that cost and she cannot afford the time to help me. C'est la vie.

So. I was standing inside a quilting store today called the Quilter's Cocoon and the very nice owner asked if I was looking for anything specific or could he help me find something. I told him, "I've lost my inspiration".

Then after explaining what had happened with the non-existant embroidered verses, he shows me the most magnificent product called Printed Treasures. It turns out you can use your computer printer to add lettering, photos, whatever!!! to these 8 1/2 by 11 inch sheets of fabric paper that go directly into your printer! And it was only $17.95 for a packet of five! I could actually cut them in half and sew a border around them. WOW.

Therefore....

'The time has come', the Walrus said, 'To talk of many things:

Of shoes- and ships- and sealing wax-

Of cabbages - and kings-

And why the sea is boiling hot-

And whether pigs have wings.'

The Washcloth

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable and smelling sweet. I threw the wash cloth in the clothes basket, crawled into some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, spead em wide, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my wash cloth?' I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'

Never going back to that doctor.

Ever.